Features
My journey through childlessness …Rev. Ama Abedi shares story
Pastor Mrs Nana Ama Abedi
For the first five years of marriage, Rev. Mrs Berlinda Nana Ama Abedi and her husband battled infertility and stigmatisation.
“I had five miscarriages and the last was a set of twins after carrying them for five months.
The previous pregnancies lasted three months each. It was a terrible moment in our lives. The last actually broke my husband,” she said with tears in her eyes.
In an interview with The Spectator last Wednesday, Rev. Abedi disclosed that even though she went through difficult moments, she remained optimistic that one day the story will change for the better because of assurances from specialist doctors that they were medically fit to have children.
“God is an amazing God. I don’t know how he did it but the next five years he restored us. He blessed us with three children and wiped away all our tears,” she said smiling.
Rev. Abedi said she feels well positioned to advise people who are battling infertility and stigmatisation ‘because I think I have seen it all,’ she said.
She said she was convinced that God made her go through those ‘difficult times’ because He had an assignment for her in that delicate area of people’s lives.
She said at the time she battled infertility, she was not a Rev. but now, both she and her husband are Rev.s.
“Imagine that I was in charge of the Children’s Ministry but didn’t have my own children. Sometimes people looked at me in a certain way and I could understand what they were saying but I did not react no matter how much it hurt me. A children’s teacher who didn’t have children. Indeed, it was a difficult situation,” she disclosed.
She recalled how she nearly got into a fight with a Rev. from another church because he told her that she was unable to have children because of her name Berlinda and so she needed to come for deliverance at his church.
“Berlinda as I know means beautiful lady and so his comments really baffled me,” she said.
“I told him that I had been praying and God had not told me anything contrary so I couldn’t take his words seriously. I didn’t want to disrespect a man of God but I felt I had been pushed too far.”
“Thankfully, he travelled out of the country almost immediately and when he returned after a year, I had become a mother. I felt God had wiped away my shame,” she stated.
Rev. Abedi cautioned couples who were going through such difficulties to be careful to prevent people from taking advantage of them.
“They can even tell from your looks and conversations that you have become vulnerable and so they will package anything as a solution for you. If you are not careful, in trying to solve one problem, you would end up adding more problems to your life, “she admonished.
According to her, she had to deal with insensitive comments from people and it was worse when it came from the church which was supposed to be a place of consolation.
“I remember there was a lady who always had one medication or the other for me every Sunday. I tried to avoid her because it was taking a toll on my mental health but she might have observed it and so would always be waiting for me at the main entrance of the church.”
“It was so depressing that I nearly left the church. The development has an interesting way of making you lose your strength to fight back even when you are overly provoked,” she disclosed.
She, however, acknowledged that there were some members of the church who were genuinely concerned and so would encourage more prayers.
“In fact, there were others who never discussed the issue with me but when I became a mother, I found out later that they were seriously interceding on my behalf and I thank them so much. I think this is what people should do and not be confrontational with childless couples as if they had committed an offence and under interrogation,” she prescribed.
Rev. Abedi who is also a journalist said losing a pregnancy was something that no one should even wish for an enemy because aside the psychological and emotional torture, the physical process to take out the foetus was a pain ‘that was out of the world.’
Recounting some difficult moments, she noted that there was the need for people to be sympathetic to childless couples to prevent unpleasant comments to break them.
She observed a practice where people gave their babies to childless couples to carry at gatherings, claiming that if they carry them they would soon have theirs.
Rev. Abedi who has been married for over 16 years now said countless times she had heard people say their intentions were good with no malice intended but which she found unfortunate.
She said it was worrying to see people who married years after she did conceive and have children almost the same year of marriage.
She commended her parents and mother-in-law who she said stood firmly by them during the period by constantly speaking words of encouragement such as ‘God’s time is the best’ among others to her and the husband and also prayed for them.
Rev. Abedi advised all persons who were trying to conceive to avoid people whose comments made them feel bad.
From Dzifa Tetteh Tay, Tema
Features
Cry of the poor
The poor constitute the dregs of the society
Everywhere, the poor constitute the dregs of the society. They are the have-nots and the down-trodden who always feel economically dizzy, politically sleepy, socially tired and are religiously confused. Their worth is never recognised in society and everyone forgets that without the poor, society can never be complete.
Some people believe that the poor will never go to heaven. So very unfortunate since the majority of Africans are congenitally poor.
My former classmate, Kwame Korkorti, for instance entertains the conviction that the eventual destination of the poor is hell. I have always protested the senselessness of this notion, but Korkorti advances arguments to back his point.
According to him, a poor man is a sinful person by virtue of his empty pocket. Because he has no money, he may think about making ends meet through stealing, which is against the Bible; he does not give alms to the poor, and because he is perpetually broke, he is always temperamental and will slap you if you rob him the wrong way.
According to Korkorti, St. Peter, who is at the gates of Heaven, does not admit such people. He cites an example that immediately a poor man approaches the gates of Heaven, he would be turned away because he would be smelling heavily of akpeteshie, to which Peter will refer him: “Thou shall not drink local gin, especially bitters…”
In contrast, says Korkorti, a rich man does not pilfer, he gives alms, is cheerful and will always forgive a fault. And when he gets to the gates of Heaven, he will not smell of mahogany-bitters or raw akpeteshie. He will scent of either Mathews Wine, Jackson’s Special Cocktail, Irish Cream or at least Guinness. Peter will be too willing to get him registered on the list of qualified entrants.
It is quite unfortunate for Korkorti to perceive the poor vis-a-vis the rich, in such a disparaging manner, but I do not blame him since the very nature of society makes him think that way. Who haven’t always thought that a poor person is a wicked person? And most people regard the rich as next to God just because they can cause food and drink to flow by just issuing a simple command.
In any situation, the have-nots are always in a disadvantaged position. When a boy whose father is a poor farmer completes sixth form and applies for an overseas scholarship advertised in the papers, his chances of clinching the award is virtually nil when a boy who has a rich father also applies. Even the manner of interviewing the two candidates can be highly disparate, not forgetting the circumstances under which each of them attends the interview.
Indeed, on the morn of the interview, the poor lad arrives at the appointed time after having taken Koko and Koose. The previous night, he had taken Kokonte and light-soup. Now, he feels quite drowsy, albeit confident. The rich man’s son had oats and milk against bread and cheese. He washes these down with Vitamin C laden orange-juice and appears at the interview bright and exuberant.
His father, who is in the same golf club as two of the panel members, has also done his homework satisfactorily. The questions that would be thrown at his ward will not be too difficult. Even if they are difficult, the boy must not be seen to be failing.
Eventually, the scholarship award is presented on a silver platter. The poor farmer’s son goes back home disenchanted. He had not been born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Moreover, he does not look like a scholarship holder, because he appears anaemic.
Dear reader, imagine that at a big social function in the capital of Sikaman the Master of Ceremonies describes the chairman for the occasion as follows: “Ladies and gentlemen, lend me your ears. This is Mark Antony speaking… The chairman for this ocсаsion is a man we all know. Presently, he is unemployed, sorry redeployed…
“Our honourable chairman is a product of Kordiabe Junction Secondary Boarding where he obtained a school certificate in 1969, lest I forget, with distinction. However, he could not proceed to sixth form because his poor father, a cocoyam farmer could not afford to buy his school uniform any longer. As for his school fees don’t talk about it. It is a taboo!”
At this stage, invited guests will start wondering whether the MC had not forgotten the life-history of the honourable chairman, or is he mistaking him for another person? The MC must, however, complete his job.
“Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, since our honourable chairman could not afford the school fees, he decided to get employed. He worked with a private company as a junior clerk where he marked time for ten years before he was promoted to the post of a clerk. As a clerk, he marked time again till the company went bankrupt. That was when he was forcibly redeployed against his wish.
“Currently, he is unemployed and finds difficulty in procuring one square meal a day. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to introduce to you, the chairman for this wonderful occasion, Mr Kofi Owuo alias Death By Poverty.”
If Kofi Owuo was indeed present and stood up in a faded Jumper and khaki shorts with a pair of worn out charlie woté (one red and one green), and a lousy moustache, and smiles rather broadly, what would you as an invited guest do? Will you applaud, or would you start glancing at the programme to see how soon the vote of thanks will be delivered so that Kofi Owuo could be left to his woes and poverty?
The chairman of any big function today is chosen by special criteria. He must have a car which is in good condition, especially with a good starter, with which he’d drive to the function. He must be able to afford a decent suit, preferably a three-piece; or a bright traditional wear of Kente or Adinkra.
He must be able to smile like a rich man, talk like a rich man, laugh like a rich man, and sneeze like a rich man. He must have had academic exposure in renowned universities in countries abroad including Australia, Canada, war-torn Liberia, crisis-filled Kuwait, US and Surinam. Such is society. He must be the chairman of the Board of Directors of one company or another.
Even in his family, the poor man is not respected, be a father, a grandfather or an uncle. During an extended family meeting his opinions are not sought. If he tries to make even a sensible point, his age-mate who is relatively rich will remark: “My friend if you’ve drunk akpeteshle, go and sleep. We want people of sound mind who can talk sense. Look at how your eyes are red. Too much akpetsshie!” The appropriate thing the cousin should have said is, “We want people who have money to offer their views.”
Of course who doesn’t respect and tolerate a rich person and scorns a poor man. Even rich ugly men are considered very handsome. You dare not think he is ugly, because society’s eye does not perceive the world in such simple terms.
But the poor are also human. They may be luck-less, born into poverty and hopeless in life. However, they serve society in numerous ways. They clean our gutters, sweep our offices, cart foodstuffs, tend our gardens and watch our homes.
It is for this reason that Teddy Alor of Tema, Site 21, says that if everyone were to be rich, there would be no society. Social stratification is indispensable to the continued perpetuation of every society since every member of a society plays a distinctive role and performs functions.
We may not carry our poor folks shoulder high. But let us give them the due respect and help them out of their miseries.
This article was first published on Saturday, August 18, 1990
Features
Just in time part 1
Esaaba and Baaba were the only children of their parents. Esaaba was two years older than Baaba. They had a good, comfortable upbringing, but Mama and Dada just could not hide the fact that Baaba was their favourite.
They were both good in school, but Baaba was brilliant, all the way to university. She had a sharp mind, she was witty, and very pretty. Boys followed her like flies, and she had a way of shrugging them off without offending them.
Baaba was the practical type. She took her time, and got things done. Esaaba came out with a second class upper in Biochemistry, and Baaba got a first class in Pharmacy. For most of the time they got along quite well, but sometimes they had strong disagreements which only worsened when their parents took Baaba’s side.
When that happened, Esaaba would drop the argument or back out of the issue of contention and walk away. That often made things much worse. Two years after graduation, Baaba married a doctor she had met in the university. He was certainly a great guy, both in looks and character.
They had two kids in two years, and settled down to a peaceful life. Esaaba was still living with their parents and at the age of twenty-eight, was not showing any sign of settling down with a guy. Initially their parents only dropped hints every now and then that she should be giving the issue of marriage some consideration.
She would also drop a word or two to indicate that the issue of marriage was certainly on her mind, but that she was firmly convinced that it was wrong for a woman to even attempt to look for a man.
The time she was convinced would certainly come, and she was not going to force it. Then Stanley Forson appeared on the scene. He lived with his family at the entrance to the Estates, whilst they were at the other end, some five kilometres away.
He attended an engineering school in Germany and came home to establish a shop that provided hi-tech servicing for Mercedes Benz, Golf and other German cars.
He was obviously doing well, and often travelled to Germany. He visited a few times, and we went out to some restaurants. Mr and MrsEssel took a great liking to him, especially when he brought them gifts when he returned from Hanover, where he was previously based.
One evening they called Esaaba and asked her what she thought of Stanley as a husband. It was obvious, they said that he was interested in her, and the least she could do was return the affection he was showing her.
Esaaba replied that she was doing enough to reciprocate the time Stanley was spending on her. She had cooked a nice meal and invited him to supper, for example, and he had certainly enjoyed himself. She had also bought him two shirts, one on his birthday and the other when he was leaving on one of his trips to Germany.
And she called him regularly, even when he was in Germany. But while they had developed a good friendship, Stanley had not even come close to indicating any interest in a relationship, let alone marriage. She said that the best thing to do at that time was to wait, and give him time to sort out whatever issues he had. But they had other plans, and they put them into motion without informing her.
She learned later that they invited him home one evening, and virtually told him that having known him and his family for many years, they considered him a decent young man with a great future. They had naturally taken note of his friendship with their daughter, and wished to assure him that if he had any issues regarding the future of the relationship, he could count on them to find a solution.
They went further to say that marriage was an institution that was built over time, that there was never an ideal time to get married, but two young people can decide to join together and build a lasting relationship.
Two days later, Stanley invited Esaaba out for a drink. He picked her up, and he drove to a snack joint nearby. After they had taken their first sip, he drew closer and said ‘Esaaba, we have been friends for a while, and I believe we know each other well. I think it is time we took our relationship to another level.
I would like to ask you, will you be my wife?’ He took a ring from his breast pocket and continued, ‘I got this for you. Of course, I am not asking you to start wearing it now. I would like you to take it, and when we eventually do the traditional and official ceremonies, you can start wearing it’.
I tried to hide my surprise and thought of something to say. ‘Stanley’ Esaaba said, ‘I am really surprised. Thank you very much. What shall I say? Yes, we have known each other for a while. I am certainly interested in your proposal.
I will only make a humble request that you let me know your plans for the future. If I am going to be your wife, then I would like to know what plans you have for us. I hope you understand what I am saying.’
‘Yes, certainly. I understand you perfectly well. I think it’s in order. I just wanted you to know what my intentions are. In the coming days and weeks I will discuss my plans with you, then we can go forward. So will you accept the ring?’
‘Yes’, she said. Certainly. ‘You have already said that you will discuss your plans with me, so on that basis I accept it’.Esaaba did not say anything to her parents about Stanley’s proposal. She spent some days wondering what exactly lay behind it. Although she always hoped to enter into a relationship, she had not thought about how it could affect her life.
She was a Teaching Assistant at the Biochemistry Department, and she was considering two options. She could start a three year Master’s Degree programme at the Department whilst still a teaching assistant, or she could apply for a scholarship to do further studies, preferably in Europe.
If she was going to marry Stanley, then she had to review all those plans. She had not thought about them because they had not come up in the times she spent with him.
They had spent some time together, but they had not discussed anything that indicated an interest in a future relationship. She had visited his home once, and never been to his workplace, even though she knew where he worked. She had no objection to a relationship with him, but she would wish to know more about him.
So she decided that whilst waiting for him to open up regarding his plans, she would also start making some moves. She decided to wait for a week or two, and visit him at his workplace. He went to the house on two occasions, but they carried on as usual, although she noticed that he spent a few minutes chatting with her parents each time.
By Ekow de Heer