When choosing a spouse, family and friends can play a vital role. They can provide sup­port, guidance, and advice, but they can also exert pressure and influence your decision.

In this article, we will delve into the role of family and friends in choosing a spouse and provide guidance on how to navigate their influence.

Cultural and Traditional

Expectations of Family

Family can influence your choice of spouse. They usually have certain expectations or requirements for your partner, and they may also have concerns or reservations about your choice.

Your family may have certain cultur­al or traditional expectations for your spouse. For example, they may expect your spouse to be from the same cul­tural or religious background.

They may also expect your spouse to have certain qualities or characteris­tics that are valued in your culture or tradition.

Cultural expectations can influence our communication styles, conflict resolution strategies, and emotional expression. In many cultures, it is cus­tomary to show respect and deference to elders, while in others, it is more common to challenge authority and question tradition.

Social Status

The social status of your spouse may be a concern for your family. They may expect your spouse to have a certain level of education, income, or occupation. They may also expect your spouse to have certain social connections or relationships.

Social status shapes our identities and self-esteem. When choosing a spouse, social status can influence our preferences and priorities. Some peo­ple may place a high value on marry­ing someone with a high-paying job or a prestigious title.

Personality and Character

Family may have expectations around the personality and character of your spouse. Most times, they may expect your spouse to be kind, hon­est, and responsible. They may also expect your spouse to have certain values or morals.

The Influence of Friends

Friends can also be significant in choosing a spouse. They provide sup­port and encouragement, but they can also exert pressure and influence your decision.

Friends can introduce you to poten­tial partners within their social circle. This can be a great way to meet new people and potentially find a partner. However, remember that your friends may not always have your best inter­ests at heart.

Social circle impacts our relation­ships. In selecting a partner to marry, social circle can influence our pref­erences and priorities. For instance, some people may place a high value on marrying someone within their so­cial circle, while others may prefer to meet someone outside of their usual social network.

Support and Encouragement

Friends give emotional support and encouragement throughout the rela­tionship. They can be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. However, it is vital to remember that friends may not always be objective.

Yes, the influence of family and friends is undeniable in choosing a spouse. While their support and guidance can be valuable, it is crucial to know that the decision of who to marry is ultimately yours.

By communicating openly, setting boundaries, prioritising your relation­ship, and seeking outside help if need­ed, you can navigate the influence of family and friends and build a strong and healthy relationship.

To be continued…

 1. Marital Infidelity (Marital Unfaithfulness)

Marital infidelity (adultery) is one of the most significant challenges facing families in our society.

Many divorces are due to (in one way or another) marital infidelity of spouses. In a 2019 study by the Amer­ican Psychological Association (APA): “Infidelity was found to be the cause of 20-40 per cent of US divorces.”

Infidelity and divorce are very old, yet their levels seem to increase with time. One wonders why people are unable to learn from the past and eradicate infidelity in their marriag­es—which would, in turn, reduce the divorce rates.

The institution of marriage is based on deep trust between the two partners that enter it. Adultery (marital infidelity) is considered a violation of that faith in each other and a severe betrayal. This violation of trust is not to be taken lightly, as it can profoundly affect both parties and the marriage as a whole.

While many instances of marital infidelity are the results of a vola­tile family situation, there are also personal factors that can push one to commit adultery. Christians and society see the act as a sin, immoral, and an abomination.

This societal view can put great pressure on individuals, making them feel guiltier and less likely to seek reconciliation, thereby increasing the likelihood of divorce.

In some cases, mental conditions can influence people and lead to self-destructive behaviours such as sexual infidelity.

In such cases, the person typical­ly knows that the act will harm the family but commits it regardless. Marital infidelity as revenge after learning of one’s spouse’s unfaithful­ness should also be considered part of this category. Sometimes, infidel­ity can even push the other spouse who is committed to the relationship into adultery out of the belief that in doing so, they will share the burden.

Marital infidelity, regardless of the reasons behind it, inflicts deep wounds on both parties and the marriage as a whole. The betrayed spouse often feels inadequate and begins to question their worth, while the adulterer is burdened with guilt and mental weakness. These pro­found effects underscore the gravity of marital infidelity and its poten­tial to shatter a marriage. Looking for personal faults that drove their spouse to act as they did.

Unfortunately, marriages fre­quently end after adultery is discov­ered, partly due to the tendency of cheaters (adulterers) to do so repeat­edly. Often, this leads to one or both spouses seeing the act as the dissolu­tion of their marital relationship.

Children are likely to be affect­ed adversely as a result, especially because adultery-related divorces tend to end with the adults not being on good terms. Ultimately, adultery (marital infidelity) is highly destruc­tive to marriages regardless of the cause and may often lead to their dissolution in the case that the other spouse learns about the act.

2. Excessive Arguing and Lack of Effective Communication

Most arguments in marriage happen because of a communication breakdown. Excessive arguing and a continuous lack of effective commu­nication have been cited as causes of divorce in many cases. Therefore, improving communication can make a big difference between a happy marriage and one that experiences separation or divorce.

In 2019, a survey conducted by ‘Your Tango’ found the following lack of communication in divorce statis­tics:

• ‘Communication problems’ is the most common factor that leads to divorce, at 65 per cent

• This was followed by couples’ ‘inability to resolve issues,’ at 43 per cent.

Open and honest communication with a spouse can show trust, re­spect, and deference to the other spouse’s thoughts and beliefs. Excel­lent communication can see a rela­tionship through difficulties, while lack thereof could cause a simple argument to escalate into grounds for a divorce.

It is not surprising that a lack of effective communication in marriage leads to divorce or separation in many instances. Given how crucial communication is to a successful marriage, it is better to work on your communication skills or find a good therapist to assist you than to allow situations to deteriorate in your marriage.

To be continued …

Source: Excerpts from “A COUN­SELLOR’S GUIDE TO USING ‘Pre­paring for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage’ EFFECTIVELY” Book by REV. COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Psychotherapist, Lecturer, and Marriage Therapist).

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