Features

The family budget

Every family has a Finance Minister. Such a minister is normally the head of the house, in other words the Executive President.

One of the characteristics of the finance minister is that he has a moustache with or without a ‘goatee.’

The moustache is usually twitched to frighten undisciplined children and the ‘goatee’ is used to terrify the wife. In fact the ‘goatee’ always reminds the wife of a he-goat and its gimmicks and antics. After painstaking research, my bosom friend Kokotako has come out with the conclusion that men with ‘goatee’ are more sexually appealing to women.

The Sikaman family life is an interesting one in that nothing is done according to the 1992 Constitution. The Finance Minister of the home is not supposed to present the family budget to the wife and children who are the family equivalent of the national Parliament.

He decides what the chop money must be, whether the wife must perm or jerry the hair, whether the kids must eat oats and milk for breakfast or zorzor, alias ‘yorke gari’ alias ‘yorks’. In effect, there is nothing like democracy much more the Westminister variation of it.

In extreme cases where the husband has the credentials of Adolf Hitler, he assumes kitchen-power and fetches the soup during supper. He sits behind the soup with a pot-belly and unilaterally decides who should get what size of meat and what level of soup.

Almost invariably, there is military discipline in the family such that the wife can only sneeze on Sundays and public holidays. Every minute, the man growls like a tiger while opening and closing his eyes like a maniac. All these are reinforced by a bottle of peters (bitters) in an obscured corner, often under the bed which is refilled every three hours.

“Kwadwo, run like a hare to Davi’s place and top my bitters before I somersault. In fact, if you don’t run like Ben Johnson under the influence of steroids, I’ll break your neck. Remember, I have to take three tots before caning you for not fetching water yesterday.”

Yes, Akpeteshie also gives appetite for fathers. Taking some tots, they start thinking where to seek political asylum because as a Lagosian would say, ‘Trouble don come for house.’

When I was in Class Six, our teacher once told us that in the developed countries families were often very concerned about the management of their homes and so man and wife often held weekly, fortnightly or monthly meetings to draw the family budget.

This is made possible by a joint account. The family’s needs from soap and cigarettes to blue jeans and holiday trips are budgeted for. That way things are done in an orderly manner and there is no case of over- spending, under-spending or ‘chobo’.

Perhaps, this is the ideal thing to do in Sikaman, but here there are obvious problems. First, the family’s income is often inadequate because of many factors including the man’s appetite. Secondly, there is a concealment of income on both sides.

The husband will declare ¢40,000 when his take-home pay is ¢60,000, meaning the extra will be used to finance personal habits and the needs of girlfriends.

The wife will also under-declare what she makes each day at the market for fear that her husband would force her to contribute to the upkeep of the home. So when she says she made only 4,000, she is in fact asking you to multiply it by 2/½ to get the correct figure. So in fact she made 9,000. It’s quite funny and you’ll have to be well-versed in JSS Mathematics to cope with her pace.

Because of all these, it is impossible for husband and wife to sit at table to draw the family budget. This is one of the reasons why some churches demand that prospective brides and grooms attend marriage counselling school for at least six months before being allowed to marry.

In the marriage school, they are taught home management and how to arouse sexual feelings in their mates. The man is cautioned on the dangers of drinking raw akpeteshie and the sins of chasing women like a bearded he-goat. “Don’t also beat your wife. God doesn’t like that.”

The woman is advised not to talk too much ‘rubbish’, not to have too many friends and taught how to please a man’s heart by pleasing his stomach with good food. She is warned not to converse with other men on frivolous topics that might lead to sexy topics etc.

Normally such lectures are helpful, but it turns out that the couples are only prepared to adhere to only 10 percent of what they are taught. Ninety percent of what they learn are impracticable, so the marriage school is only considered as a waste of time.

Well, my former classmate Kwame Korkorti, the born-mathematician, has long detected that since money palaver is the cause of many shattered marriages, couples need to be more transparent, communicative and co-operative in solving their financial problems.

Observation has shown that marriages break more often not because of the lack of money per se, but because of the mistrust on both sides as far as money matters are concerned. It might be that the man really has no money but the woman feels he has and is using it to chase other women, etc.

It all boils down to honesty, sincerity, goodwill, understanding and a desire to make the marriage work with or without money palaver. Let’s not make money the basis of a successful marriage.

Wishing all readers and fans of Sikaman Palava a nice week-end.

Features

Monsieur’s daughter —(Part 2)

David rose and opened the door to the spare room. It was neat, as everything else in the house. He sank into the bed and stared at the ceiling. He had never hoped or expected his life to turn out that way.

Until some 12 hours ago, all seemed to be going well. He had already made a huge impact on his students, and the school. He was doing some extra-curricular work which was bringing in decent, regular income.

He had married a great looking, responsible young lady, and they had been blessed with a beautiful daughter. The future could only be bright.

Yet all that had come crashing down. Gladys had been having an affair with her ex-boyfriend, during her pregnancy when he came to Ghana briefly, and over the last few days, when he returned.

He confronted her with the evidence, and her denial was pathetic. It was over. He had pointed that out to her. Over the next hour he did a systematic review of the changes he would make.

The marriage was certainly over. And sadly, so was the Aboso SSS job. He would take a new major step in the next three months. As he was drifting off to sleep, his wife brought Sarah into the hall to breastfeed her. He woke up to rock her to sleep as usual, and went off to sleep.

The following morning, he left early for Agona Nkwanta, and informed his parents about the latest developments. They were devastated, but promised to back him in every steps he took. He got back to school during the first break and carried on with his work.

He stayed on at work till after seven, renewing application procedures for a Master’s Degree programme in Germany which he had deferred. When he got back home his wife’s parents were waiting. His father-in-law wasted no time to get to the point.

“My son, we came here with a simple, though difficult, task. Our daughter has confessed to us that she has offended you greviously. She went behind your back and had, er, an affair, with a young man with whom she was previously in a relationship. She admits that she was foolish.

She says that her actions do not reflect a lack of respect for you as her husband, or her love for you. We are on our knees, my son, pleading with you to have mercy on her, take her back into your arms and get on with your life as man and wife. I have great confidence in you, that a great future awaits you. I’m humbly asking for your forgiveness, my son.”

“You have spoken well, Daddy. I have great respect for you and Mummy. You have been very kind and helpful to me, since I met Gladys. I regret, however, that I cannot be reconciled to her.

You see, Gladys resumed the relationship with Simon when he returned to Ghana some months ago. She was spending time with him at the hotel at a time when, as far as I know, she was carrying my child. And since he returned to Ghana a few days ago, they have continued to spend time at the hotel.

So this is not a one-off thing. It is a relationship. I’m not going to say or do anything publicly, but the relationship is over. I will give her my fullest cooperation to give our daughter the best of care, but I will certainly move on with my life.”

“I have heard you, my son. Your reaction is both predictable and justified. Here’s what I will do. I will give you a little time to think about my humble petition, and I will pray that God himself will touch your heart to tamper justice with mercy, and save this marriage.”

After this, two delegations from Gladys’s family went to engage David’s family to plead for restoration of the marriage, but he was adamant. They continued to live in the flat, apparently as man and wife, but although he didn’t disclose his plans to her, she knew that he would eventually move out. One morning, as they were leaving for work, Gladys issued an emphatic threat.

“David, my parents and relatives have been to see you, and virtually fallen at your feet, begging you to forgive me for my mistake, and allow us to move forward as man and wife, and take care of Sarah.

But it appears that you are a perfect human being who does not make mistakes, and will, therefore, not forgive mistakes. Okay, you can take whatever step you want to take, but remember I also have an option. I will teach you a very bitter lesson, a lesson which you will never forget till you die.”

David smiled and eased himself out.

A couple of days later, David got home to find that Sarah was not around.

“Where’s Sarah?” he asked her.

“Ah, David” she said with mock politeness, “there’s something I need to tell you. You see, Sarah is not actually yours. She is Simon’s baby. I’m very sorry for misleading you. Really sorry. I’m sure that being a young man, you will be able to find a nice young woman who will give you children as beautiful as Sarah.”

David stood and stared at her for a very long time while she laughed herself into stitches. Then he stormed out and took a taxi to his parents’ house. After listening to him, his father told him his blunt, hard opinion.

“My son, I want you to brace yourself for a tough time. It is obvious Gladys wants to punish you for rejecting her. She must have thought out her plan well before coming out to tell you.

You may want us to report to the police, social welfare or what have you, but my feeling is that if you play her game, she will string you round her finger for a long time. Therefore, I think you should call her bluff. Ignore her, difficult as it may seem. No matter how long it takes, the child will come back to us.”

“Mama, what do you think?”

“I agree with your dad. Of course, there’s always the possibility that Sarah will actually be Simon’s, but it is highly unlikely. She has just connived with him to steal your child. Let’s ignore her. She will expect you to confront her and so on, but leave her alone.”

“I will do as you say, Mama and Dada, even though it is very difficult. I will ask her to move out of my house. I will stay the night, and go back to Aboso tomorrow morning.”

There was no evidence of Gladys when he got home. She had cleared the house of virtually everything. David replaced some basic stuff whilst focusing on his next move. He found a replacement teacher for the school, and resigned.

Although, he tried to leave quietly, the students, teachers and parents organised a party for him. There was great outpouring of grief as most people had learnt about the circumstances under which he was leaving. As a token of appreciation for his passion for work, the school authorities named the playground Monsieur Park after him. He left for Germany, promising himself to work hard to put the last bitter experience behind him.

By Ekow de Heel

Features

Migraines: Understanding the causes, symptoms, and treatment options

Migraines are a type of neurological disorder characterised by recurrent episodes of severe headaches, often accompanied by sensitivity to light, sound, and nausea.

According to the American Migraine Foundation, (AMF) over 39 million people in the United States suffer from migraines, with women being three times more likely to experience them than men.

In this article, we will delve into the causes, symptoms, and treatment options of migraines, as well as provide tips on how to manage and prevent them.

What are migraines?

Migraines are a complex neurological disorder that affects not only the brain but also the nervous system and blood vessels. During a migraine episode, the blood vessels in the brain expand, leading to inflammation and pain.

Symptoms of migraines

The symptoms of migraines can vary from person to person, but common symptoms include:

1. Severe headache: A throbbing or pulsating headache, usually on one side of the head.

2. Sensitivity to light and sound: Increased sensitivity to light, sound, and sometimes even touch.

3. Nausea and vomiting: Feeling queasy or vomiting, which can lead to dehydration.

4. Dizziness and vertigo: Feeling lightheaded or experiencing spinning sensations.

5. Aura symptoms: Some people experience aura symptoms, such as flashing lights, zigzag patterns, or numbness, before the headache begins.

Causes and triggers of migraines

While the exact cause of migraines is still unknown, research suggests that a combination of genetic, environmental, and hormonal factors contribute to their development. Common triggers of migraines include:

1. Genetics: Family history plays a significant role in migraine development.

2. Hormonal changes: Fluctuations in estrogen levels, such as during menstruation or menopause.

3. Stress: Physical or emotional stress can trigger migraines.

4. Sensory stimuli: Bright lights, loud noises, or strong smells.

5. Food and drink: Certain foods, such as aged cheeses, citrus fruits, or foods containing MSG or tyramine.

6. Sleep patterns: Changes in sleep patterns, such as insomnia or oversleeping.

7. Environmental factors: Changes in weather, altitude, or exposure to chemicals.

Treatment and management options

While there is no cure for migraines, various treatment options can help alleviate symptoms and prevent future episodes. These include:

1. Medications: Over-the-counter pain relievers, such as ibuprofen or acetaminophen, or prescription medications, such as triptans or ergotamines.

2. Lifestyle changes: Maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, staying hydrated, and avoiding triggers.

3. Relaxation techniques: Stress-reducing activities, such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises.

4. Chiropractic care: Spinal manipulation and other chiropractic techniques may help alleviate migraine symptoms.

5. Alternative therapies: Acupuncture, massage, or herbal supplements, such as feverfew or butterbur.

Preventing migraines

While migraines can be unpredictable, there are steps you can take to reduce their frequency and severity:

1. Keep a headache diary: Tracking your migraines can help you identify patterns and triggers.

2. Maintain a consistent sleep schedule: Irregular sleep patterns can trigger migraines.

3. Stay hydrated: Dehydration is a common migraine trigger.

4. Avoid triggers: Identify and avoid triggers, such as certain foods or sensory stimuli.

5. Manage stress: Engage in stress-reducing activities, such as meditation or yoga.

When to seek medical attention

While migraines can be debilitating, some symptoms require immediate medical attention:

1. Severe or frequent migraines: If you experience more than 15 headache days per month.

2. Increasing frequency or severity: If your migraines worsen over time.

3. Aura symptoms: If you experience aura symptoms, such as numbness, weakness, or difficulty speaking.

4. Headache with fever: If you have a headache accompanied by a fever, confusion, or stiff neck.

5. Recent head trauma: If you have experienced a recent head injury.

Conclusion

Migraines are a complex and debilitating neurological disorder that affects millions of people worldwide. While there is no cure, various treatment options and lifestyle changes can help alleviate symptoms and prevent future episodes.

By understanding the causes, symptoms, and treatment options of migraines, you can take control of your condition and improve your quality of life.

By Robert Ekow Grimmond Thompson