Connect with us

Features

When drunks warm up for Jesus’ second coming

Sikaman Palava

Sikaman Palava

To the hell-bound unbeliever, it doesn’t matter whether Jesus died on the cross or kicked off while in the wheel-chair. What they would forever be grateful for is that Judas did his job perfectly, sending Jesus to Golgotha so that Easter can become a yearly celebration, anoint­ed with the flow of palm wine and tots of Alomo.

Many natives of Sikaman normally do not celebrate Christmas. They see Christmas as a bother. The kids won’t stop reminding them about their new shoes and dresses, hats, watches, and every nonsensical nonsensicality under the sun, moon and stars.

Ghanaians  having fun at Kwahu
Ghanaians having fun at Kwahu

And the kids will not relent wheth­er you are financially anaemic or generally ‘kpokpomatic.’ It is not so with Easter. It is only on Palm Sunday that the kids start whining about palm branches they would use to herald Je­sus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem. Loud Hosanna!

When I was a kid, I used to look forward to Palm Sunday. After we went to Jerusalem and back, we were welcomed home with Rice and curried chicken. And little Kwame Alomele would be seen dialoguing with a chick­en wing in a most graceful manner, while eyeing a chicken thigh that is waiting to be peer reviewed.

Advertisement

PICNIC

I realised that the kids did not celebrate Easter in any definitive manner apart from the Easter Monday picnicking during which we drank a mixture of Coke, Fanta, Asana, Sprite and Mirinda and accounted for it very miserably and dishourably around midnight. The super- holy mixture turned the stomach at the eleventh hour and the result was one hell of a voting bout.

But it wasn’t only the children who vomited from mixing drinks. The big folks sometimes ended up in the gutter having mixed beer, stout, palm wine, akpeteshie (better known as sodabi). When they happened to eat kokonte and groundnut soup before drinking all these, what they threw up was a side attraction in itself.

The whole mess could be some­thing amazing. But you are sure to see a crab’s claw somewhere, and you’d wonder whether the man swallowed the crab whole. The truth is that some people do. They don’t like chewing.

Advertisement

They are used to swallowing fufu and kokonte so much that they swal­low virtually anything edible in sight. So to them swallowing a crab whole is no big deal. Just one of those things, if not a hobby!

To most folks, the celebration of Easter itself is not as exciting as the preparation for the event. Most guys would want to celebrate at Peki or Kwahu, the two accredited and gazetted Easter celebration points endorsed from heaven. Any woman whose husband goes on trek during Easter should be informed that the trek is not a genuine one. You can locate your husband swinging at Peki or Kwahu with a fair-coloured lady. I can bet on it!

Others would want to go to their own home towns to show off their moustache. But it all requires cash because while exhibiting your stylish upper-lip you must also “do show” to attract the attention of the ladies. You’ll need one to warm your waist when the cold comes at dawn. AIDS or no AIDS. All die be die!

So the preparations must include moustache-trimming, latest hair-shap­ing, cash saving and of course study­ing the latest dance style. Normally, you’ll not be expected to repeat the style you displayed a year back, otherwise you’ll be branded as not trendy. You must storm the stage dog-style and behave like an animal.

Advertisement

That is how the ladies will offer you “scholarship.”

LATEST

What has fascinated me most is the Easter Sunday church service. That is where the ladies release the latest or imported kaba styles. They come to church not to hail the resur­rection of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, but to prove to all and sundry that indeed, they know how to dress.

And the way they strut to the church service is something I have never believed could ever be possible. But they accomplish it effortlessly.

Advertisement

You wouldn’t know whether the ladies want to fly like a vulture or glide like a crow. But they all, without exception, behave like a peacock. The men folk wonder at the ladies’ elegant clothing and their affected pomposity. With measured steps, they enter into the church hall, and instead of sitting the ladies perch like birds. They are possessed with the spirit of the occasion.

The Easter sermon is normally predictable. Judas will be condemned a bit, but not too much because the man is credited with betraying the messiah through which the redemp­tion of man has come.

The pastor himself is normally in high spirits. He is expected to an­nounce that Jesus has indeed resur­rected after three days; and all eyes focus on him.

“His blood is what you Christians must strive for. It can redeem you from sin,” he’d wail.

Advertisement

SECRECY

If he is overzealous or happens to have taken some wine in the secrecy of his bedroom to loosen his tongue, he can say it exactly as it is, and risk offending the congregation.

“Jesus’ blood is for people like you sitting right here in front of me. You are fornicators, adulterers, crooks and common thieves. It doesn’t matter how well-dressed you are. After all, a decorated donkey is more or less an ass.

“Some of you are murderers, idolaters, rapists, armed robbers and car-jackers. With some of you, it was out of criminal activities that you had money to celebrate this Easter. It is for people like you that the Lord Jesus shed his blood. You need to repent and believe in his gospel.”

Advertisement

Everyone will be sure the pastor wasn’t referring to him or her. Of course, every Easter Sunday service is also attended by people who declare themselves village tramps and drunks. Once in a year, they come to the altar to ask God to free them from the witches who put pots into people’s bellies. They are expected to fill the pot with akpeteshie, but it never gets filled.

“Did Jesus die for me too,” a com­mon palm wine drunkard would say aloud.” Pastor tell me something.”

Advertisement
Continue Reading
Advertisement

Features

Monsieur’s daughter —(Part 2)

David  rose and opened the door to the spare room. It was neat, as everything else in the house. He sank into the bed and stared at the ceiling. He had never hoped or expected his life to turn out that way.

Until some 12 hours ago, all seemed to be going well. He had already made a huge impact on his students, and the school. He was doing some extra-curricular work which was bringing in decent, regular income.

He had married a great looking, responsible young lady, and they had been blessed with a beautiful daugh­ter. The future could only be bright.

Yet all that had come crashing down. Gladys had been having an af­fair with her ex-boyfriend, during her pregnancy when he came to Ghana briefly, and over the last few days, when he returned.

Advertisement

He confronted her with the evi­dence, and her denial was pathetic. It was over. He had pointed that out to her. Over the next hour he did a systematic review of the changes he would make.

The marriage was certainly over. And sadly, so was the Aboso SSS job. He would take a new major step in the next three months. As he was drifting off to sleep, his wife brought Sarah into the hall to breastfeed her. He woke up to rock her to sleep as usual, and went off to sleep.

The following morning, he left ear­ly for Agona Nkwanta, and informed his parents about the latest devel­opments. They were devastated, but promised to back him in every steps he took. He got back to school during the first break and carried on with his work.

He stayed on at work till after sev­en, renewing application procedures for a Master’s Degree programme in Germany which he had deferred. When he got back home his wife’s parents were waiting. His father-in-law wasted no time to get to the point.

Advertisement

“My son, we came here with a simple, though difficult, task. Our daughter has confessed to us that she has offended you greviously. She went behind your back and had, er, an affair, with a young man with whom she was previously in a rela­tionship. She admits that she was foolish.

She says that her actions do not reflect a lack of respect for you as her husband, or her love for you. We are on our knees, my son, pleading with you to have mercy on her, take her back into your arms and get on with your life as man and wife. I have great confidence in you, that a great future awaits you. I’m humbly asking for your forgiveness, my son.”

“You have spoken well, Daddy. I have great respect for you and Mummy. You have been very kind and helpful to me, since I met Gladys. I regret, however, that I cannot be reconciled to her.

You see, Gladys resumed the relationship with Simon when he returned to Ghana some months ago. She was spending time with him at the hotel at a time when, as far as I know, she was carrying my child. And since he returned to Ghana a few days ago, they have continued to spend time at the hotel.

Advertisement

So this is not a one-off thing. It is a relationship. I’m not going to say or do anything publicly, but the relationship is over. I will give her my fullest cooperation to give our daughter the best of care, but I will certainly move on with my life.”

“I have heard you, my son. Your re­action is both predictable and justi­fied. Here’s what I will do. I will give you a little time to think about my humble petition, and I will pray that God himself will touch your heart to tamper justice with mercy, and save this marriage.”

After this, two delegations from Gladys’s family went to engage David’s family to plead for resto­ration of the marriage, but he was adamant. They continued to live in the flat, apparently as man and wife, but although he didn’t disclose his plans to her, she knew that he would eventually move out. One morning, as they were leaving for work, Gladys issued an emphatic threat.

“David, my parents and relatives have been to see you, and virtually fallen at your feet, begging you to forgive me for my mistake, and allow us to move forward as man and wife, and take care of Sarah.

Advertisement

But it appears that you are a perfect human being who does not make mistakes, and will, therefore, not forgive mistakes. Okay, you can take whatever step you want to take, but remember I also have an option. I will teach you a very bitter lesson, a lesson which you will never forget till you die.”

David smiled and eased himself out.

A couple of days later, David got home to find that Sarah was not around.

“Where’s Sarah?” he asked her.

Advertisement

“Ah, David” she said with mock politeness, “there’s something I need to tell you. You see, Sarah is not actually yours. She is Simon’s baby. I’m very sorry for misleading you. Really sorry. I’m sure that being a young man, you will be able to find a nice young woman who will give you children as beautiful as Sarah.”

David stood and stared at her for a very long time while she laughed her­self into stitches. Then he stormed out and took a taxi to his parents’ house. After listening to him, his fa­ther told him his blunt, hard opinion.

“My son, I want you to brace yourself for a tough time. It is obvi­ous Gladys wants to punish you for rejecting her. She must have thought out her plan well before coming out to tell you.

You may want us to report to the police, social welfare or what have you, but my feeling is that if you play her game, she will string you round her finger for a long time. Therefore, I think you should call her bluff. Ig­nore her, difficult as it may seem. No matter how long it takes, the child will come back to us.”

Advertisement

“Mama, what do you think?”

“I agree with your dad. Of course, there’s always the possibility that Sarah will actually be Simon’s, but it is highly unlikely. She has just con­nived with him to steal your child. Let’s ignore her. She will expect you to confront her and so on, but leave her alone.”

“I will do as you say, Mama and Dada, even though it is very diffi­cult. I will ask her to move out of my house. I will stay the night, and go back to Aboso tomorrow morning.”

There was no evidence of Gladys when he got home. She had cleared the house of virtually everything. David replaced some basic stuff whilst focusing on his next move. He found a replacement teacher for the school, and resigned.

Advertisement

Although, he tried to leave quietly, the students, teachers and parents organised a party for him. There was great outpouring of grief as most people had learnt about the circum­stances under which he was leaving. As a token of appreciation for his passion for work, the school authori­ties named the playground Monsieur Park after him. He left for Germany, promising himself to work hard to put the last bitter experience behind him.

By Ekow de Heel

Advertisement
Continue Reading

Features

 Migraines: Understanding the causes, symptoms, and treatment options

 Migraines are a type of neurological disor­der characterised by recurrent episodes of severe headaches, often accompanied by sensitivity to light, sound, and nausea.

According to the American Migraine Foundation, (AMF) over 39 million people in the United States suffer from migraines, with women being three times more likely to ex­perience them than men.

In this article, we will delve into the causes, symptoms, and treatment options of migraines, as well as provide tips on how to manage and prevent them.

What are migraines?

Advertisement

Migraines are a complex neu­rological disorder that affects not only the brain but also the nervous system and blood ves­sels. During a migraine episode, the blood vessels in the brain expand, leading to inflamma­tion and pain.

Symptoms of migraines

The symptoms of migraines can vary from person to person, but common symptoms include:

1. Severe headache: A throb­bing or pulsating headache, usually on one side of the head.

Advertisement

2. Sensitivity to light and sound: Increased sensitivity to light, sound, and sometimes even touch.

3. Nausea and vomiting: Feel­ing queasy or vomiting, which can lead to dehydration.

4. Dizziness and vertigo: Feeling lightheaded or experi­encing spinning sensations.

5. Aura symptoms: Some peo­ple experience aura symptoms, such as flashing lights, zigzag patterns, or numbness, before the headache begins.

Advertisement

Causes and triggers of mi­graines

While the exact cause of migraines is still unknown, re­search suggests that a combina­tion of genetic, environmental, and hormonal factors con­tribute to their development. Common triggers of migraines include:

1. Genetics: Family history plays a significant role in mi­graine development.

2. Hormonal changes: Fluc­tuations in estrogen levels, such as during menstruation or menopause.

Advertisement

3. Stress: Physical or emo­tional stress can trigger mi­graines.

4. Sensory stimuli: Bright lights, loud noises, or strong smells.

5. Food and drink: Certain foods, such as aged cheeses, citrus fruits, or foods contain­ing MSG or tyramine.

6. Sleep patterns: Changes in sleep patterns, such as insom­nia or oversleeping.

Advertisement

7. Environmental factors: Changes in weather, altitude, or exposure to chemicals.

Treatment and management options

While there is no cure for migraines, various treatment options can help alleviate symptoms and prevent future episodes. These include:

1. Medications: Over-the-counter pain relievers, such as ibuprofen or acetaminophen, or prescription medications, such as triptans or ergotamines.

Advertisement

2. Lifestyle changes: Main­taining a consistent sleep schedule, staying hydrated, and avoiding triggers.

3. Relaxation techniques: Stress-reducing activities, such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises.

4. Chiropractic care: Spinal manipulation and other chiro­practic techniques may help alleviate migraine symptoms.

5. Alternative therapies: Acu­puncture, massage, or herbal supplements, such as feverfew or butterbur.

Advertisement

Preventing migraines

While migraines can be unpredictable, there are steps you can take to reduce their frequency and severity:

1. Keep a headache diary: Tracking your migraines can help you identify patterns and triggers.

2. Maintain a consistent sleep schedule: Irregular sleep pat­terns can trigger migraines.

Advertisement

3. Stay hydrated: Dehydra­tion is a common migraine trigger.

4. Avoid triggers: Identify and avoid triggers, such as certain foods or sensory stimuli.

5. Manage stress: Engage in stress-reducing activities, such as meditation or yoga.

When to seek medical at­tention

Advertisement

While migraines can be debil­itating, some symptoms require immediate medical attention:

1. Severe or frequent mi­graines: If you experience more than 15 headache days per month.

2. Increasing frequency or se­verity: If your migraines worsen over time.

3. Aura symptoms: If you experience aura symptoms, such as numbness, weakness, or difficulty speaking.

Advertisement

4. Headache with fever: If you have a headache accompa­nied by a fever, confusion, or stiff neck.

5. Recent head trauma: If you have experienced a recent head injury.

Conclusion

Migraines are a complex and debilitating neurological disorder that affects millions of people worldwide. While there is no cure, various treatment options and lifestyle changes can help alleviate symptoms and prevent future episodes.

Advertisement

By understanding the causes, symptoms, and treatment op­tions of migraines, you can take control of your condition and improve your quality of life.

By Robert Ekow Grimmond Thompson

Continue Reading
Advertisement

Trending