Features
Of predictions and a happy new year
For Fifty-two weeks, my pen has been dancing. Precisely, for 3,654 days, my pen has been on its toes doing one jig after the other, keeping this column warm and smiling. My pen, however, developed flat-foot when I was commissioned to cover the National Debate in late August and early September. After three weeks, this column boomed back to life with WOES OF A SIKAMAN JOURNALIST.
And who says journalists in the territory of gold do not have woes? If they are not married before 1991, they can no longer marry. None of the male journalists can afford an engagement ring if he relies solely on his pay. Anyhow, it would be a disaster to remain a bachelor. Remember MARRIAGE PALAVER of MAY 26. ? I wrote:
“Before my friend Kofi Kokotako became a married man, he was an eligible bachelor in his own case. He had gone to the bank clutching his briefcase to withdraw some money. To open the briefcase now in the full glare of fellow citizens of Sikaman would amount to revealing his marital status without being asked to.
“Not to reveal contents, he opened it slightly and poked his fingers into the upper compartment to retrieve that hell of a cheque-book. He was furious at it, and in this fit of anger, coupled with a little awkwardness, the entire briefcase lost balance and over-turned. Lo and behold, disaster had struck Kokotako.
“……Scattered far and wide were palmnuts (about one olonka in quantity), plantain, cassava, pepper, tomato, fish… and four crabs that sought instant refuge from their predicament.
The crabs now sped in different directions to seek political asylum in the nearest territory. They had nearly gone out of breath in the tight briefcase… Kototako (a bachelor) had wanted to prepare palmnut soup that would last him some three days.
Such an incident is likely to happen to a bachelor journalist in 1991 if steps are not taken to do something about their income. I also have another prediction for 1991.
Most Guinness and beer drinkers will shift compulsorily to become faithful patrons of local bitters –“peters.” The mahogany brand which is reputed as best for kooko and waist-pains will become the favourite of high class executives whose sedentary jobs and lack of exercise make them develop locked waist. It is far cheaper too.
This reminds me of ALCOHOL ADDICTION &THE X’MAS COMATOSE.
“To go the local-gin way is quite understandable …the alcoholic economy of equivalents shows that the alcoholic horsepower of GH¢40 of akpeteshie (raw) is equal to that of the one bottle of beer which costs GH¢240.”
Mind you, it is 320 in some bars today. 1991 one is the year for lotto-stakers.
They will see the kingdom of money. I had a dream on this, and the dream was entitled LOTTO PALAVER:
“Ever since this episode, Korkorti has become a lotto addict, a lotto forecaster, a lotto magician, editor in-chief of a lotto paper and chairman of the Sikaman
Lotto Winners Association (SLWA), I hear there is also an association called the Sikaman Lotto Losers Association (SLLA).”
I predict that many journalists would join one of these associations in a desperate bid to increase their incomes.
The incidence of rape will not decline in 1991 because punishment for rapists are still not deterrent enough. In PUNISHMENT FOR A RAPIST, it could be read:
“.A castrated rapist is no danger to organised society. Fact is that he can bark but he cannot bite. Even a strip-tease dancer can no longer arouse him. And sooner or later, he would become so fat and oily that he’d be more famous as a superheavyweight than as a dreaded rapist… l am against castration, though.”
The West African Examinations Council (WAEC) will take drastic steps in 1991 to stall the incidence of LEAKAGES AND ACADEMIC DYSENTERY.
“Dear Sir, this very paper you are marking is under massive leakage, and I know that people are going to blow it paaa. But as for me, although I also had all the questions, I am as daft as a live sheep. My father has no brains whatever in his big head. As for my mother, the least said about her, the better. And as you know that a dog does not beget a cat, I was born an idiot.
“So when I got the questions, I didn’t know what to do with them. Will you please therefore consider and pass me too. Otherwise, I alone will die of academic dysentery. Thanks for your usual cooperation. Yours faithfully…”
Dear reader, what do I have for FASHION CRAZE IN SIKAMAN for next year:
“If by the year 2,000, you enter into an office of a managing director, and you see a bearded man complete with thick moustache dressed in kaba and slit, don’t be shocked. He is still a mister. His only problem is that he is abreast with the times.”
Partly due to the ‘GOLF’ crisis and its attendant worsening of national economies, the incidence of corruption in Sikaman is going to escalate dramatically and many will be brought to book. THE CORRUPTION SAGA offered the following:
“The spotlight of criticism is so much centred on the police that the corrupt practices of doctors, teachers, civil servants, customs officials etc. are never known.”
Indeed, in 1991, the lid over the corruption soup pot is going to be lifted and the contents revealed to the general public. Keep abreast with press reports. There will be an attempt to ease the housing problems in Sikaman. Landlords, as a result, will become more liberal with the rules and regulations as said in HOUSING IN SIKAMAN:
“Second set of rules and regulations. Thou shall not cook koobi or momoni in the house, because I (the landlord), am allergic to such unholy smell; no singing in the housing when the landlord is enjoying his siesta, no tenant must laugh like a rich man; you are allowed to sneeze only on Sundays and public holidays.”
Incidentally, I am in need of accommodation (not less than two large rooms) and would welcome an offer in Accra, where the advance payment would not be above sea level.
Confidence tricksters, are likely to triple in number, regarding their profession as a lucrative alternative to armed-robber which attracts the death-penalty. However, burglaries will not die out as CRIMINALS AND GULLIBLE NATIVES meet face to face:
“However, as the thief nearly gets to the top, the man takes courage and with all his might, pushes the ladder off his window. The criminal lands on his back, and barks like a dog although he is a perfect human being.”
“But he is also professional. He quickly wakes up from the tragedy, wipes the sand off his face and hair, carries the ladder over his broad shoulders and trots dizzily away to plan another strategy.”
THE DAWN PREACHERS are going to increase in number as the aluta on satan continues unabated. But, “… the preachers must realise that preaching against fornication alone will not help stop the spread of AlDS for instance because people are always going to mate anyway. So, after preaching against fornication, the preachers must go on to educate their hearers on the deadliness of the AIDS, how it is spread and what precautionary measures to take.”
My name is still a mystery to readers. The pronunciation especially. Many think I am either a Zimbabwean, Namibian, Tanzanian, or Rwandan. Some say I’m a refugee journalist. So very amusing.
On June 17, 1989, THE NAME UNDER SIEGE appeared in the “Spectator”.
I went to a clinic sometime back and a nurse came to mention names so that we could form a queue before seeing the doctor. She hesitated so much over my name. For good three minutes, she tried and failed; she frowned, coughed, fidgeted and nearly passed wind before she managed to croak; Mary Lomotey.”
“… I went to collect drugs from the dispensary. A Hausa man was the chairman of the department. He looked at the name and nearly collapsed when he ventured mentioning it. “Ferari Alomeli,” he fumbled out terribly. I immediately wondered whether he was suffering from river-blindness.
“Haven’t you gone for treatment,” I asked him smiling.
“What treatment?” he retorted, rather perplexed. “For river blindness.”
“What are you talking about,” he asked quite
angrily.
You’re seeing Merari and you’re calling it Ferari.
Ferari is a name of a car, so l thought you were a victim of river-blindness.”
You’re a fool to tell me that,” he yelled at me. Till this day, ALOMELE IS still pronounced by some people “LIMELIGHT” but I’m not quite bothered. What I’m bothered about is the financial mourning that took place during X’mas, and what most people are going to face in January.
And till then I wish all lovers of my column a happy and prosperous New Year.
This article was first published on Saturday, December 29, 1990.
Features
The Prophet part 2
“I can see in the spirit, that some of you have been trading for years without seeing any meaningful profits, some young women have been disappointed by men who have either abandoned them and left for foreign lands and forgotten about them, or stopped sending money for the upkeep of their wives and children.
I can see young men who are desperate for visas to travel abroad but have either been duped by visa contractors or refused at the embassies. From tomorrow, I assure you, the visas will be given.
Young women, I have news for you. You will receive telephone calls, and you will hear very good news. Handsome young men with money in their pockets will come and marry you, and take care of you. Traders, you will get big business and big profits from today. From today, you will see that I am a true prophet who has come to deliver you.”
Shouts of “Amen,” “thank you Prophet” and “I receive it” greeted his sermon. After a final prayer, he asked the congregation to come early the following day, and bring others, because there would be many testimonies.
There would also be “special anointing” for great miracles. Although he did not ask for an offering, most of the people came and dropped notes, and coins at the “pulpit.” When they left, Antobam counted the money.
“GH¢900!” he almost shouted, ‘and I did not even ask for an offering. This is fantabulous!’ Going to the Nana Kofi Broni shrine, he told himself, was a very wise move.
He started making plans……He had to choose a few assistants who would carry out his orders……. He had to hire some chairs as soon as possible……He had to find a suitable piece of land and, if possible, build his own church……. He had to start looking for a nice car, befitting the status of a popular preacher …… And, most importantly, he had to select two, three or four nice, young women to take care of his needs, apart from the servants who would cook, wash, iron and do other errands for him.
Abruptly, he told himself, this hungry, scruffy Kukurantumi boy was being transformed into a man of power and money, with some of the most beautiful women in town at his beck and call. Wow!
After a shower and supper, he shut the door to the very small room that served as his bedroom and dropped on the bed. Almost immediately, the shrill sounds, like whispers, began.
This time he did not express any fears. He realised to his great surprise that even though the sounds were not in the form of any language, he could understand them.
Tomorrow there will be testimonies……they will give money……. some rich people are being prepared …….they will bring big money ………. we will give them what they want, and they will bring money ……. big money …….big, big money……the women will also come, a number of them. ‘
He went to sleep smiling and whispering to himself, ‘big, big money, and women!’
He woke up at 5 and took a shower. After a breakfast of tea and several slices of bread he set off. On reaching the venue he saw to his great surprise that the place was full.
Very full, and quite a number of people rushed to embrace him and give him the wonderful news. The excited people narrated the testimonies about big sales, telephone calls from relatives directing them to go to Western Union, and impotent husbands who had miraculously rediscovered their magic powers.
He was truly glad that Nana Kofi Broni’s magic had already started working, but most of his attention was focused on the ladies in the congregation. He noticed to his great delight that some of them were really nice. I must start making my selection, he told himself. Today!
“Give a mighty clap offering to the great, mighty one for his wonders among us!” he started, and the response was very big.
“I said yesterday that you were going to see signs and wonders, and I am very happy that my word has been fulfilled. Even though we have taken allowed one hour for testimonies, many more of you would like to testify.
Tomorrow, I promise you that there will be ample time. I will only preach a short sermon. The rest of the time will be taken up by consultations, after which I will give directions on what to do to ensure that you defeat your enemies, secure your marriage and, most importantly, continue increasing your profits in your business.” His sermon was interspersed with ecstatic shouts of “Amen,” “it is true,” “God bless you” and “I receive it.”
His final word was emphatic; “Big miracles are coming your way. Keep attending church, and don’t forget to give thanks to God.”
By Ekow de Heer
Features
Full Gospel Businessmen Fellowship launches project to transform young lives
The Full Gospel Businessmen’s Fellowship International (FGBMFI) Ghana has launched the Senior High Schools and Colleges Project (SCP) aimed at empowering and transforming the lives of young people.
Speaking at the launch, Professor Mike Ocquaye, the former Speaker of Parliament, emphasised the need to catch them young and train them as the current times were challenging.
He lauded the project, calling on all to support it, saying “In fact, it’s very important to catch them young, train them, lead them, guide them, and mentor them because the times are indeed rough,” Prof. Ocquaye said.
Mr Ekow Egyir Dadson, the Director, Schools and Colleges Directorate, stated that since its inception in 2018, the SCP had reached over 70 educational institutions with countless testimonies of transformation.
“We began with the Presbyterian Boys Secondary School (PRESEC) Legon, and now in 2024, we have visited 74 schools and impacted the lives of over 100,000 students, some of whom were personally mentored and now have graduated from the universities.”
He explained that the SCP, a vision by FGBMFI Ghana, was a bold outreach programme designed to call young people to Christ, train and equip them for the future.
He cited testimony-sharing, mentorship, career guidance, entrepreneurship and counseling as some of the unique approaches to be used in reaching out to the targeted students.
Mr Emmanuel Baba Mahama, the National President of the FGBMFI Ghana, launched the SCP Manual, which would help the FGBMFI Zonal Family Chapters across Ghana in order to adopt schools and colleges within their catchment areas.
The Schools and Colleges project is making a great impact; we have had first-hand testimonies from school heads, teachers, and students (mentees) about the SCP. This project has come to stay, Mr Baba Mahama assured.
He, therefore, called for more volunteers and partners to help the SCP shape the next generation of leaders and citizens.
Findings by the FGBMFI revealed that Ghana’s senior high schools, colleges, and university students face growing challenges like addictions, indiscipline, poor academic performance, pornography, homosexuality, broken homes, and a lack of godly guidance.
That had been a concern to many parents and society, “but the FGBMFI believes there is hope to rescue and restore these young students,” Mr Mahama said. –GNA
