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Churches on wheels
Easter is due! Jesus will die on the cross and be buried in the tomb from where he will resurrect after three days and people who see will think he is ‘Madam High Heels.’
His death and resurrection are of much significance to Christians but people consider it little more than an ecclesiastical drama that was staged in Golgotha during which Jesus was nailed on the cross. Many even do not believe the Lord once lived.
But believe it or not before his death, he lived in the era of Caiaphas and Pontius Pilate who were in charge of religious and secular affairs and who contributed to the successful mis-trial and murdering of Jesus.
The significance here is not his death but his blood which was supposed to save those who believe in the Son of Man. It is for this reason that for Christians, Easter should be a solemn occasion when sinful man must supplicate to the Lord and reunite with Him.
However, in general terms, this is not so. Easter is seen as being synonymous with picnics, swinging on the mountains where old girlfriends are met and new ones impregnated.
It is also an occasion when new dance styles from the capital are outdoored when Amakye Dede is on stage. And it is normally during Easter that people dance as if they were fighting, perhaps with the devil.
FOOTING THE BILLS
Now coming to think of it, devoted Christians must be commended for keeping the flame of the Christian religion burning. At the school parks at night, you are likely to see them vibrating with energy and reverberating in tongues, praying for everybody and the nation so that guinea fowls will stop causing civil wars.
And if you are not aware, such Christians in fact flow in the spirit and when they dance, it is by way of the spirit such that the steps they take are heavenly-inspired.
Most often, you’ll also meet them preaching the good news to the jobless, reassuring them that there is fuller life in heaven where food is free and there is no electricity and water bills to be paid. God foots all bills.
And after every preaching session, they demand ‘chop money’ from those who hear the word. There is nothing wrong with that if the preachers are full-time Evangelists because the Bible stipulates that they must be catered for by the church. But I am against those who are not full time clergymen but go out to preach only when they are broke. They must repent!
Now how do they preach and where? Sometimes it is at dawn so that people can be sufficiently disturbed to wake up and hear that news that would save them. And those who are fornicating at the moment can be delivered.
“We are from so-and-so gospel ministry. Our mission is to bring the good news to your doorstep. It is free; you pay nothing for it. However, there is one condition. Stop whatever you are doing now and listen intently, for your salvation depends on whatever you hear from us this morning.
“If you’ve joined forces with the opposite sex at this moment, I command you in the name of Elijah to disengage. It is only then that you can listen to the gospel and be saved. Halleluyah!”
Now preaching the good news at dawn or at lorry parks is not irritating to people as delivering the gospel on moving vehicles. At the lorry parks for instance, it is only those who are interested who will come around and listen and be blessed. You have no problem with those who want to remain ‘sinners.’
On the other hand, those who organise churches and conventions on passenger buses and force passengers to listen may have good intentions at the wrong place.
First, it is not fair to preach your religion in a bus that has different religions. And those people of other faiths do not want anybody to impose his beliefs on them, no matter how laudable such belief might be. They are entitled to a peaceful ride to their destination and should not be disturbed.
I remember somewhere in the mid-eighties when I was travelling on a bus on which an evangelist was preaching. At the end of it, he asked everybody to shake hands with the person sitting next to him. Unfortunately for me I was sitting between two Alhaji’s who found the entire session irritating. And I was to shake them by hand.
But first I had to make sure they were also prepared to shake hands with me. So I looked into the eyes of the one on the left and realised that he was fuming and ready to explode if detonated. Upon close look study of his visage, I saw that he was also twitching his moustache. I wondered whether I was safe.
SHAKING OF HANDS
Looking into the face of the other, I got horrified by what I saw. He was opening and closing his eyes at me like a maniac. I wanted to ask him whether he was normal but quickly decided against it for fear that he’d break my jaw. If I had insured my jaw, I would have risked it, but I wasn’t covered.
As it were, I raised my head a bit and lowered it down coolly as the bus sped on. I guess the Evangelist didn’t see the expression on the faces of the Alhajis. If he had, he would have apologised for organising a Christian sermon for Christians, Moslems, Buddhists, Krishnas, and forcing them to shake hands.
In fact, when these Alhajis alighted at Nima Police Station and were going away, one of them said a sentence which I heard the word ‘walahi.’ Lucky me.
Preaching on buses is also not good because the driver’s attention is distracted. He might even join singing the chorus and unconsciously try to dance alongside. Before he realises that he is not in a church room, it is too late, Obituary!
Deaths on our roads have often occurred because drivers merely want to change a cassette they are playing which meant their attention was distracted for just a few seconds.
I think a law must be put in place to stop evangelists from preaching on moving vehicles. Passenger vehicles must not be turned into church rooms. They can still convert people at the lorry parks if they choose to.
If Moslems, Krishnas, Bahais, Buddhists, Shinotoists and all others also want to use moving vehicles to spread their respective ‘gospels,’ how would it be like in Sikaman?
Features
The Prophet part 4
Antobam woke up with a terrible headache. He checked the time on his mobile phone, 2:30 am. “What! Where is the money?” He asked aloud. “Where are those girls? Why did I drink so much of that whisky? What were those two girls up to?” He sat up on the bed and noticed a bulge close to the pillow.
He lifted the mattress and picked up the newspaper wrappers with the neatly arranged notes. He saw the neatly written record of the value of the notes. No, those girls are not thieves.
“It was my mistake. If I hadn’t drank myself to sleep they would be here in bed with me, giving me the time of my life. Pretty girls, those two. And so loyal and honest. Tomorrow will be different.”
“I will not drink any whisky, and I will show them that I am a real man. Just then he heard the whispers. Very soon it will be time, they seemed to be saying. This is an important day.”
The gold dealer will bring lots of money. Give him some of the liquid to drink, and we will prepare him. He will do very big business, and he will give you anything you ask for. There will be more miracles and testimonies today.
Antobam smiled to himself. “I am going to be a very rich man in only a few days man. Money, power, and women. Wow! Antobam got to the grounds at 5, but there were quite a number of people waiting.
Mr Kwame Dofu was among them. He greeted them all, and they came around to shake his hand. “My brothers and sisters, I assure you that whatever your problem is, you will not go home without a solution.” Shouts of “Amen” “thank” you Osofo and “you are a true man of God” responded.
“Please take your seats, and start talking to the great one about whatever bothers you. Before the service is over, there will be a solution.” He waved Mr Dofu over, and went with him to the wooden structure that serves as a temporary office.
“My brother, I have done quite a lot of work on the issue you came to see me about. I have prepared a special, powerful package for you. Take this, drink it, and go back to your business. I want to see you in two weeks.”
Beaming with smiles, Mr Dofu drank the foul smelling liquid in two gulps, said a big thank you to Antobam and took his leave. “I believe you, Papa Osofo. And I assure you that I will reward you, big time.”
Just when Osofo Antubam finished with Mr Dofu, Mary and Suzzie went over to him. “Good Morning ladies. I am very sorry about yesterday. I drank too much of the stuff you gave me. Today will be different, I assure you.”
“Don’t worry, Osofo. Since you are now setting things up, our main concern now is to help you to put things in place, and to make you comfortable. We are always there to serve you. This morning, Osofo, we want to go and clean up your place, and prepare something nice for you when you close.
And before coming to church, we will pass by the bank and collect the forms. After you have signed them, the account will be open. You can check the payments anytime and, of course, issue cheques whenever you need money.”
“Suzzie and Mary, I am happy I picked the two of you from the very start. Listen, I will take good care of you, okay? Here is some money. Buy whatever you need for the errands you have mentioned.
And here is the key. Please come back as early as you can. You know I need you here.” The service was very lively. The lively singing of praise songs was followed by one and a half hours of testimonies.
Most of them related to money – big sales, new jobs and overdue debts paid. But there were also testimonies about healing. Barren women had taken seed, and, of course, several men who had lost their bedroom authority had regained them, to the delight of their partners.
As he had promised, Antobam preached for only 30 minutes, exhorting the congregation to attend church regularly, pay their tithes and offerings, and strictly follow his ‘directions’ for securing solutions to their problems.
After another round of praises during which the congregation danced to the floor to drop their offering, he closed the service, grabbed the big bowl which was full to the brim with money, and moved to his desk. A long queue was quickly formed at the desk.
Meanwhile, Mary and Suzzie had gone to give Antobam’s place quite a decent look. A new bedsheet and pillows, a secondhand carpet and four plastic chairs placed in the verandah had done the trick.
They also prepared two fish and chicken stews. After all these, they rushed to the National Savings Bank and collected application forms for opening current and savings accounts.
They joined the service a few minutes before the main session closed. Antobam looked round and saw, to his relief, Mary and Suzzie moving towards him. “Hello ladies. What have you been up to?” “Quite a bit, Osofo. We’ve just collected your drink. Here you are. We’ve made a few changes at your place. I think you will like it. You will also have something nice to eat. Now, here are the forms for the savings and current accounts.
If you will sign them, the bank will open the account. From today, we can pay all monies direct into the account.” ‘How can I thank you, ladies?” “You don’t need to thank us,” Suzzie said. “It is our duty to help a man of God succeed.” “Okay, my ladies, please take the offerings and count them as you did yesterday.
You can add the payments made after the consultations. Will it be possible to pay them into the account today?” “Yes,” Mary said. “The bank closes at four. If we leave here at three, we would be there just in time.”
The two friends started counting, as Osofo Antobam gave his clients his directions for solving their problems. On quite a few occasions he closed his eyes as if he was receiving direction from above on what to do.
But as the fetish priest at the Nana Kofi Broni shrine and the dwarfs had assured him, the solutions would certainly be provided. Having heard the huge testimonies earlier in the day, the clients parted with substantial sums of money in expectation.
By Ekow de Heer
Features
The issue of spiritual father in our churches
A student was supposed to go to school as the natural cause of events should be when universities or schools in general opens but this was not the case in a certain young man’s life.
He decided to postpone his trip because apparently he could not get to meet his pastor, his spiritual father. The question is, should this spiritual father die, will the young man’s life come to an end?
Does it mean in such an instance, he is going to curtail his education? This is a worrying trend in a lot of churches where the pastors use this notion of spiritual father to manipulate members especially the youth.
Some unscrupulous pastors utilise this spiritual father concept to have affairs with gullible young ladies in their churches.
Now with homosexuality gradually making inroads into some of the churches, young men are becoming vulnerable to pastors who have hidden homosexual inclinations.
This spiritual father concept is a Biblical concept that runs through both the Old Testament as well as the New Testament. We see it in 2 Kings 4:12 where Gehazi is serving Elisha and also in the New Testament we see Paul relating to Timothy in 1 Timothy 1:2 as a Spiritual Father.
In fact, the concept of spiritual father is a good thing if executed according to the word of God since it helps in guiding the younger ones. However, it becomes problematic when it is being executed by unscrupulous wolves in sheepskins as described by Jesus in Mathew 7:15.
I see it as a way that these unscrupulous so-called men of God maintain their hold on the congregants so they do not question their unchristian actions.
One of the things I have observed since I got born again many years ago is that, any pastor who often insists that members recognise that he is their spiritual father is a warning sign that he is doing some wrong things or is about to indulge in some wrong things.
A parent complained about how his daughter was being influenced by a pastor of the church she attends and how worried he was. I am sure there are many parents out there with stories to tell about how their wards are being made to see their pastors almost like their Jesus.
These pastors have managed to make their congregants so loyal to them and to believe in them so much that it is terrifying, as a parent.
The way things are going, an immediate intervention is required otherwise I am not a prophet of doom but I forsee unfortunate instances where parents burst into church auditoriums and star shooting some Pastors out of frustration and anger.
We cannot look on unconcerned as a society and allow unscrupulous fraudsters using the name of God to create problems for families. My recommendation is for a certain amount of regulation in order to bring some sanity in religious practices.
I agree that ordinarily regulating religious practices makes it a bit restrictive in terms of freedom of worship as enshrined in our constitution but given the way things are going, a bit of regulation will not be out of place.
Disgusting stuff are being attributed to some men of God. There are cases of manipulation of young ladies and sometimes married women by so called men of God and it is bringing Christianity and therefore the name of the Lord into disrepute.
Christianity is gradually losing its attractiveness as a result of the negative reportage resulting from disgusting stuff happening in Christian circles. The way some pastors have been manipulating congregants to take money from them leaves much to be desired to the point where they are convincing some of the youth to give out their phones. May God help us.
By Laud Kissi-Mensah
