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 Identifying your non- negotiatables in a spouse

 When choosing a spouse, it is vital to identify your non-negotiables. Non-ne­gotiables are the qualities, charac­teristics, or values that you cannot compromise on in a relationship. They are the deal-breakers that can make or break a relationship. Identifying your non-negotiables re­quires self-reflection, honesty, and a deep understanding of what you want and need in a relationship.

Why Non-Negotiables Mat­ter?

Non-negotiables matter because they help you identify what you want and need in a relationship. They help you set boundaries and prioritize your needs. When you know your non-negotiables, you can make informed decisions about who you want to spend your life with. Non-negotiables can also help you avoid compromising on your values and principles, which can lead to resentment and unhappiness in a relation­ship.

Types of Non-Negotiables

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Non-negotiables can be cate­gorized into several types:

1. Values-based non-negotia­bles: These are non-negotiables that are based on your personal values and principles. For ex­ample, if you value honesty and integrity, you may not be willing to compromise on a partner who is dishonest or untrustworthy.

2. Personality-based non-ne­gotiables: These are non-nego­tiables that are based on your personality and how you interact with others. For example, if you are an introvert, you may not be willing to compromise on a partner who is extremely extro­verted.

3. Lifestyle-based non-ne­gotiables: These are non-nego­tiables that are based on your lifestyle and how you want to live your life. A case in point is if you value freedom and indepen­dence, you may not be willing to compromise on a partner who is overly controlling or possessive.

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4. Emotional non-negotiables: These are non-negotiables that are founded on your emotion­al needs and desires. Let us say you need a partner who is emotionally supportive and val­idating, in such a situation, you may be unwilling to compromise on a partner who is emotionally unavailable or unreliable.

5. Spiritual non-negotiables: These are non-negotiables relat­ed to your spiritual beliefs and values. If you value spirituality and faith, you may not want to compromise on a partner who does not share your spiritual beliefs.

How to Identify Your Non-Negotiables

Identifying your non-negotia­bles requires self-reflection and honesty. Here are some steps you can take to identify your non-negotiables:

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1. Reflect on your values and principles: What is most import­ant to you in life? What do you stand for?

2. Think about your past rela­tionships: What did you like and dislike about your past partners? What were the deal-breakers?

3. Consider your lifestyle and goals: What kind of lifestyle do you want to lead? What are your goals and aspirations?

4. Make a list: Write down your non-negotiables and priori­tize them.

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Prioritising Your Non-Nego­tiables

Once you have identified your non-negotiables, it is crucial to prioritise them. Not all non-ne­gotiables are created equal, and some may be more important to you than others. Here are some tips for prioritising your non-ne­gotiables:

1. Rank them: Rank your non-negotiables in order of im­portance.

2. Categorise them: Catego­rize your non-negotiables into must-haves, nice-to-haves, and deal-breakers.

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3. Consider the consequenc­es: Consider the consequenc­es of compromising on each non-negotiable.

Communicating Your Non-Negotiables

Once you have identified and prioritised your non-negotia­bles, communicate them to your partner. Here are some tips for communicating your non-nego­tiables:

1. Be clear and direct when communicating your non-nego­tiables.

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2. Use “I” statements to ex­press your feelings and needs.

3. Listen to your partner’s perspective and be open to com­promise.

Identifying and prioritising your non-negotiables is essen­tial for choosing a spouse who is compatible with you. By know­ing what you want and need in a relationship, you can make informed decisions and avoid compromising on your values and principles. Remember to com­municate your non-negotiables clearly and respectfully to your partner, and be open to compro­mise and negotiation.

To be continued …

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Source: Excerpts from “AVOID REGRETS IN MARRIAGE: How to Choose a Spouse” Book by REV. COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Psychotherapist, Lecturer, and Marriage Therapist).

ORDER BOOK NOW:

https://princeoffei22. wixsite.com/author https://counselorprinceass.wix­site.com/edu-counseling-psych https://princeoffei22.wixsite. com/website-psychologist https://princeoffei22.wixsite. com/website

COUNSELOR PRINCE & ASSO­CIATES CONSULT (CPAC COUN­SELLOR TRAINING INSTITUTE)

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Relationship

7 things Easter story teaches about marriage, relationships

• A good relationship involves a lot of forgiveness
• A good relationship involves a lot of forgiveness

This time of the year, we reflect quite a bit on the Easter story—the story of Christ’s betrayal, His sacrifice, His death, and ultimately, the Resur­rection that changed the course of history and mankind’s relationship with the Creator.

But what does this have to do with marriage or relationships?

If marriage or relationships were meant to reflect the image of God, then there is no better example than Christ, the living embodiment of God’s love.

Through His sacrifice, He showed that love for each other and even for Him was not enough.

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Here are seven things we can learn about marriage or relation­ships from Easter.

1. Betrayal can come from those we love and trust the most.

Jesus knew this all too well. Judas-one of the 12, the few in Jesus’ inner circle—betrayed Him by turning Him in to the chief priests.

Betrayal hurts. When it comes from someone we love and trust, it cuts all the deeper. And some of your deepest pain will likely come from your spouse or the person closest to you.

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No marriage or relationship is immune. But it is your response to the offense has to reflect the faith and trust we have in Christ.

2. We are not above betray­ing the ones we love

Peter was passionate about his relationship with Christ. When Jesus told Peter he would disown Him three times before the rooster crowed, Peter just could not fathom it. “Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!” Peter told Him. Yet, before the night had ended, Peter “wept bitterly” after he de­nied His Savior not once, but three times (Matthew 26:34-75).

Matthew 26:41 tells us “The spirit indeed is willing. Sometimes it is unintentional, words often rush out before my brain can catch up. Other times, the words that cut deep leave your lips without fully assessing the damage they will cause. None of us are above hurting our spouse or friends, no matter how much we try.

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3. Others won’t believe your marriage/ relationship can be saved

As they gazed upon the suffering Christ, the chief priests mocked Him. “He saved others; he cannot save himself,” they said. “Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe” (Mark 15:31- 32). The sad irony of their words is that because they refused to believe, they would never see their own salvation on that cross.

Most cultures are a brutal place to try to save a dying marriage. Not only do an increasing number of people not believe in the lasting power of marriage, many will gladly take a front seat to watch your marriage die. They will mock you and your spouse and say divorce is a better option.

Protect your relationship by sur­rounding yourself with people who encourage your marriage rather than dragging it down.

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4. Marriage/relationship takes sacrifice.

Jesus knew what was coming. He prayed in Gethsemane, “My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). Later, before He was nailed to the cross, “they offered him wine to drink, mixed with gall, but when he tasted it, he would not drink it” (Matthew 27:34). The wine concoction offered to Jesus was one typically offered to slightly ease the pain of those condemned to death. Jesus refused to numb even a fraction of the sac­rifice He was about to make.

It sometimes seems like a no-brainer that we would give our lives for our spouses. But what about in the day to day? Are you willing to sacrifice your comfort, your preferences, even being right for your spouse?

On a much smaller level, sac­rificing yourself for your spouse is putting their best interests above your own through a series of choic­es that can seem insignificant.

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5. Marriage/relationship takes forgiveness.

Jesus’ sacrifice guaranteed God’s forgiveness for those who love Him. Even through the pain of the cross, He called out on behalf of those who crucified Him. “Jesus said, ‘Fa­ther, forgive them, for they know not what they do’” (Luke 23:34).

Forgiveness is not just something we have been given, it is also some­thing we, as followers of Christ, are told to do. In Colossians, Paul says, “As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (3:13). Your spouse is going to mess up. A lot. You are too, perhaps even more. A good marriage involves a lot of asking for, giving, and receiving forgiveness.

6. Marriage/relationship takes faith

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After the tomb was found empty, Jesus appeared to His disciples. Thomas was not there. And when the others told him they had seen the Lord, Thomas was skeptical.

“Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.” A week later, Thomas found himself face-to-face with Jesus, who offered his hands to Thomas. “Do not disbelieve,” Jesus told him, “but believe” (John 20:24-29).

There have been times it was a struggle to find the good in your marriage or relationship. It was like trying to find a match in the dark­ness. Most at times you will not see things getting any better. Holding on when you want to let go takes faith. Even a little.

7. We all need a Saviour

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The apostle John recorded the last words Jesus spoke on the cross to be, “It is finished” (John 19:30). Finished was His atonement for our sins. No one else could have paid the heavy debt we carried but the Son of God.

Marriage/relationship is a bless­ing, but make no mistake, it is hard at times. You and your spouse can not do it on your own strength and determination.

Much like the criminal hanging next to Jesus who said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom” (Luke 23:42), you need to recognise the need for a Savior. And much like the disciples who were standing before their risen Lord, you need Him to breathe life into you (and into your mar­riage) with the Holy Spirit (John 20:22).

Your spouse needs Jesus as much as you do—no more, no less. Re­membering this can help you view him or her differently. —familylife. com

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Relationship

Tips on building and maintaining healthy relationships

 When you commit to taking up a new habit, it is essential to have a clear plan of action before you begin. Start with a long-term goal and keep it S.M.A.R.T: S- Specific M-Measurable A- Achievable R-Rele­vant and T- Timely

Habit Stacking

Habit Stacking is exactly what it sounds like: putting two or more habits together. We recom­mend choosing times of the day when routines are strongest. For most people, this is usually the morning or before bed. We know day-to-day life can get a little crazy, but there are certain times when patterns are created, mak­ing them the perfect place for a positive change.

The best way to form a new habit is to tie it in with an exist­ing one.

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Baby steps

Many experts agree that signif­icant changes require high moti­vation levels, which can be hard to sustain. Instead, you should start with a slight change that will eventually lead to something bigger.

You can transition to some­thing bigger once you have successfully implemented daily habits for a designated amount of time.

Consistency

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Consistency is key. To make something a habit, you need to do it every day. We have all heard the magic ‘21 day’ fix, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not one size fits all.

Celebrate success

Perhaps the most important part of habit-making is rewarding yourself. We know habits take time, but in order to not give up, you need to celebrate every win.

Find the thing you love and allow yourself to experience it once you’ve hit a milestone on your habit-forming journey. Some­times, the results of habits are not immediately apparent. Do not give up!

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