Lotto wahala and Tuobodom palaver

In Sikaman lotto is not a game. It is a profession, a noble career which people aspire to. It is the highest paying profession after armed robbery and the most widespread job on this side of the Atlantic.

In places like China, lotto is a disease that has no cure. Once you are infected, no doctor on earth can cure you. May be Kofi Larteh, Ghana’s most celebrated magician, can help ease the symptoms, but no definitive cure will be forthcoming.

Coming back to Sikaman, lotto has been the financial messiah of many. That is how people look after their large families, pay school fees, marry two wives and do their own ‘monkey things.’

If you are very poor and you win a lottery, chances are that you will die before you even collect the money. You’ll die out of excitement or you’ll start day-dreaming in the streets and an articulated truck will hit you.

As such, very heavy wins are not recommended for poor people, lest they get listed too soon in the obitu­ary columns.

The sad story is told of a heavy-du­ty caterpillar driver who had a very heavy lotto windfall of several mil­lions, his first big win after several years.

CATERPILLAR

He was driving the caterpillar home when he saw his son running towards him, shouting. “All your numbers have dropped! All your numbers have dropped! He could not believe his ears.

All the four numbers he had staked had dropped and his son, who had gone to stake them for him, was himself over-excited. The poor cater­pillar man just could not handle the good news. He suddenly stepped on the brakes and the caterpillar jolted him a trifle too violently, throwing him off. He landed right in front of the still moving heavy-duty machine and it crushed him flat.

I don’t think the bloke would have died if he had won a smaller amount. Sometimes too much cash is not good for the health.

Seldom, people get too confi­dent and that can also result in a wake-keeping, like that of a man who used his lifetime savings and borrowed extra money to crack the machine with a two-sure that the compiler must compulsory drop or the world will end.

Even the shadows of the numbers or their counterparts were nowhere near the winning numbers. His shock-absorbers crumbled under the weight of the heavy disappointment. He crashed to the floor and started foaming at the mouth. He was de­clared dead on arrival at the nearest clinic.

WINDFALL

Recently, there was a countrywide lotto windfall, and in Kumasi it was more than a festival. Most stakers had between ¢30m and ¢40 million on two-sure that the lotto magicians had predicted at least three weeks earlier,

Kejetia chop bars were besieged with overnight millionaires, carrying huge appetites induced by Opeimu Bitters popularly called Opeimu Peters. All the meat and mudfish got sold out within an hour and procure­ment agents had to double up to restock.

While some were celebrating, oth­ers were weeping and gnashing teeth. The problem was that, three weeks beforehand, the two sure numbers were declared by all the lotto sorcer­ers, dreamers, magicians, tellers and all the self-appointed and self-pro­moted forecasters.

Everybody including 10-year-olds, who staked and lost. The following week, they were advised to continue staking. The faithful did continue but the faithless stopped. All of them lost. In the third week or so, a good number of confident stakers had lost faith in the two numbers. That was when the number landed.

So the windfall was for only those who had the unshakeable faith in the numbers. See what faith can do? It can move dollars. Don’t waver, so saith the holy scriptures.

The faithless indeed gnashed teeth. The winners on the other hand cel­ebrated with a song that is as con­troversial as the business of lotto. It is a song played by the group called Nkasei and has something to do with a town in the Brong Ahafo Region called Tuobodom whose capital we hear is Jinijini.

I hear it is a derogatory song and the queen mother of Tuobodom got charged and breathed out electric current during her protest on air. She allegedly ended up demanding a mobile phone from Nkasei so that she could communicate with them to settle the matter peacefully, lest wahala.

Well, the song is rising up the charts and Nkasei are making the dough, but should it be at the ex­pense of a whole townsfolk, their forebears and generations to come?

WATERPROOF

Waterproof, the famous comedian, was allegedly given hefty slaps at the Kumasi rail station by some Frafra jingoists who felt he was deriding their tribe. And Bob Okala had to run with his tail between his legs when he was confronted and realised that slaps were going to be visited on his lean face.

Let’s not use words and lyrics to cause discomfort to others.

This article was first published on Saturday July 9, 2005