Features
Palaver of the past (1)
A national weekly newspaper does not often disappear from the news-stands. So when the Weekly Spectator was not seen on the stands for a couple of weeks, many probably thought the Editor had gone on a honeymoon.
If it had been a private newspaper, one would have guessed that the publisher had gone bankrupt after using the capital together with the profits to chase a beautiful fair-coloured girl.
In any case, the ‘Spectator’ is back on the stands, and as is customary of Sikaman Palava, a review of the past year must always precede current palaver. The past year was very interesting and political. There were some unpleasantries too when people were being roasted for being of a certain political breed.
Early in the year, however, news reaching the territory had it that punk youths were attacking refugee centres and black homes in Germany, meaning that Ghanaian hustlers were probably in some kind of trouble.
Sikaman Palava defined who a hustler is in an article headed HUSTLERS IN THE COLD.
“In Sikaman, if you are not lucky to be born into a well-to-do family, it means you are a hustler by birth. Right from the very onset, it becomes very difficult for your mum to feed you on Lactogen or Cerelac, to make you grow like a normal human being and not like a guinea-pig. So because she cannot afford it, you have to subsist on koko and use the breast-milk as dessert.
“Sooner than anyone would expect, your mother will start pushing banku into your tiny mouth ‘by force… Before you are six months of age, you’ve already started chewing hard plantain like a savage. With that as a major meal you are sure to develop kwashiorkor which means that you’ll have a well- defined pot-belly. So you become a small boy millionaire.”
This is how the hustling begins and one ends up in Germany washing plates to make money while being at the mercy of skin-heads who are armed with guns, knives, clubs and anything that can teach a black- man that Europe is not his ancestral home.
The political game began in earnest when my uncle Kofi Jogolo was about to be chosen as the presidential candidate of a newly-formed party. In fact they elected him because of his charismatic moustache and by the fact that he sneezes like Bill Clinton.
“No doubt that he was chosen to lead a very popular party. With such a piece of moustache, trimmed thrice a week by a Swedish barber who is paid in dollars, there was no way Jogolo could not have headed the party.”
There were many people aspiring to become the next president of the Republic of Ghana. “You’ll see them in many colours and shades. Some are called Sikaman natives, but they are not qualified to be called such because they’ve stayed abroad eating hotdogs, hamburger, pork sandwiches and American suya. And they are around town with smiling faces to contest the presidency.
Soon began the game of political nonsense. “The devil is a politician. It has always been the leader of the opposition against the Kingdom of God. The devil, known in private life as Mr James Lucifer, is the author of the Satanic Manifesto and the inventor of hunger in Somalia.”
PASTIME
The devil also tells lies. “According to Kwame Korkorti the Council Korti, every politician tells an average of 38 lies a day- …Lying in politics has become a hobby, indeed an enjoyable pastime. What about intrigues and treachery? I hear it is going to be a game of embarrassments using facts, figures and lies; and everybody is waiting for the honourable Flight Lieutenant to declare his intentions before the game can really start.”
And the game really did start. In my article head- lined THE PALAVER OF STONE THROWING, I wrote, “When all were in doubt, it was Kokotako who prophesied that the Flight Lieutenant will be the presidential candidate of NDC, and that someone freshman too will aim a large stone at his head and miss the target “He had by not less than 30 metres.
“True to the prophesy, an idiot did aim a stone that crashed into the side-glass of one of the vehicles in the convoy that was returning from Apam. Apparently the person who did the throwing was not a marksman because the head of His Excellency was longitudes away from where the stone landed… In any case, the attempt is a dastardly one that must be condemned in no uncertain terms…
“Professor Adu Boahen of Kukrudu fame, I hear, also had a little showdown with some school children at Akatsi or Anfoega in the Volta Region. In spite another of the fact that he had written history books for the kids to learn to gain knowledge, they apparently did not like the Kukrudu slogan and therefore sought to sack the history pundit from their territory. I think that area had already been colonised by the Akatamanso politicians, so it seemed to the children that Adu Boahen was trespassing…
“Perhaps, he did not pour libation to the gods of Eweland before embarking on the journey to go and preach to the people the political philosophy behind the word Kukrudu. But I must say that such reception to political campaigners is not commendable.”
I then cautioned with special reference to the stone-throwers, “To prevent violence, heads of political parties should undertake the task of admonishing their supporters to eschew violence, because when you throw a stone at somebody, next time someone will not throw a stone at you, but boulder. The person whose head you hit with a stone will continue to live, but when a boulder lands square on your head, it is most likely you’ll live to witness the handing over ceremony on January 7.
Because of the nature of the politics during those days, many homes witnessed turbulent times. Under the heading CALM AND THE BITTER LES- SONS, Sikaman Palaver revealed:
“Since the ban on politics was lifted, many homes have been on fire. Some men have even stopped giving chop money because they consider their wives as politically mad. If for instance the man tried to make the point that akatamanso will bring prosperity, the wife will insist that kukrudu is rather the way to heaven.
POLITICAL VISION
“…A man will growl at his wife like an underfed lion: “In the name of the elephant which has political vi- sion, I’ve placed a ban on the use of umbrellas in this house. I swear by my grandfather’s hernia that if you do not comply I’ll turn your neck’.”
People were not only concerned about politics during 1992. Accidents had occurred the previous year and there was the need to introduce road safety awareness throughout the country, a task which was undertaken by Meridian Tobacco Co. Ltd which organised a Safe Driver competition.
Sikaman Palava acknowledged their efforts. “Whenever I board a vehicle, the first thing I always want to look at is the driver’s head. If the head is un-kempt, it means he is a careless fellow. If he has normal haircut, finely combed, it means I’m quite safe. If he wears punk, it probably means that he doesn’t have a driving license and is therefore a potential killer.
“When the driver is, however, a sakora, then I’m always prepared for anything including death. The whole palaver is that when a sakora man is at the wheels and is driving at about 90 kilometres per hour, there is every likelihood that the breeze circumnavigating about his naked head will make him feel like having his siesta.”
For sure, when driving at top speed while taking siesta can be the most dangerous risk imaginable.
Meridian Tobacco Company identified the various reasons why road accidents were rampant. A safe driver competition in 1991 and 1992 has brought a great measure of safe driving awareness from which the country has benefited.
As the year 1992 gradually wore on, politicians entertained high hopes and wishes upon which Sikaman Palava commented in an article titled ‘POLITICAL HOPES AND WISHES.’
“The funny thing about elections is that no contestant ever believes he’d lose until the final results show that all is not well. And in such an event, the loser is likely to blame the Mallam who divined that it would be a landslide in his favour. Another loser will blame the local pastor who prayed for him, and at least one loser is likely to get angry with the tigari- man who gave him 101 per cent assurance.
“When you become a losing contestant, it becomes very difficult to go back home with a smiling face. You’re likely to go home quietly and make straight for bed without taking supper. And your wife is certain to ask you whether you are on hunger strike.”
It was from the time when the parties started holding congress and electing presidential candidates that many politicians started getting disappointed. After congress, many went back home trying to force a smile and were welcomed back from the ordeal by their young children.
“Dad, you look tired, but I understand. Politics is not a small thing,” your son would say. “I realised that the number of votes you had was nowhere near the top. In fact you were coming right from the bottom which means you are a good swimmer. Good swimmers normally come from behind, and I’ll advise you to start preparing for the next Olympics. As for politics, I’m not sure you’ll shine.”
The review of the past year
continues next week.
By Merari Alomele
Features
The Prophet part 4
Antobam woke up with a terrible headache. He checked the time on his mobile phone, 2:30 am. “What! Where is the money?” He asked aloud. “Where are those girls? Why did I drink so much of that whisky? What were those two girls up to?” He sat up on the bed and noticed a bulge close to the pillow.
He lifted the mattress and picked up the newspaper wrappers with the neatly arranged notes. He saw the neatly written record of the value of the notes. No, those girls are not thieves.
“It was my mistake. If I hadn’t drank myself to sleep they would be here in bed with me, giving me the time of my life. Pretty girls, those two. And so loyal and honest. Tomorrow will be different.”
“I will not drink any whisky, and I will show them that I am a real man. Just then he heard the whispers. Very soon it will be time, they seemed to be saying. This is an important day.”
The gold dealer will bring lots of money. Give him some of the liquid to drink, and we will prepare him. He will do very big business, and he will give you anything you ask for. There will be more miracles and testimonies today.
Antobam smiled to himself. “I am going to be a very rich man in only a few days man. Money, power, and women. Wow! Antobam got to the grounds at 5, but there were quite a number of people waiting.
Mr Kwame Dofu was among them. He greeted them all, and they came around to shake his hand. “My brothers and sisters, I assure you that whatever your problem is, you will not go home without a solution.” Shouts of “Amen” “thank” you Osofo and “you are a true man of God” responded.
“Please take your seats, and start talking to the great one about whatever bothers you. Before the service is over, there will be a solution.” He waved Mr Dofu over, and went with him to the wooden structure that serves as a temporary office.
“My brother, I have done quite a lot of work on the issue you came to see me about. I have prepared a special, powerful package for you. Take this, drink it, and go back to your business. I want to see you in two weeks.”
Beaming with smiles, Mr Dofu drank the foul smelling liquid in two gulps, said a big thank you to Antobam and took his leave. “I believe you, Papa Osofo. And I assure you that I will reward you, big time.”
Just when Osofo Antubam finished with Mr Dofu, Mary and Suzzie went over to him. “Good Morning ladies. I am very sorry about yesterday. I drank too much of the stuff you gave me. Today will be different, I assure you.”
“Don’t worry, Osofo. Since you are now setting things up, our main concern now is to help you to put things in place, and to make you comfortable. We are always there to serve you. This morning, Osofo, we want to go and clean up your place, and prepare something nice for you when you close.
And before coming to church, we will pass by the bank and collect the forms. After you have signed them, the account will be open. You can check the payments anytime and, of course, issue cheques whenever you need money.”
“Suzzie and Mary, I am happy I picked the two of you from the very start. Listen, I will take good care of you, okay? Here is some money. Buy whatever you need for the errands you have mentioned.
And here is the key. Please come back as early as you can. You know I need you here.” The service was very lively. The lively singing of praise songs was followed by one and a half hours of testimonies.
Most of them related to money – big sales, new jobs and overdue debts paid. But there were also testimonies about healing. Barren women had taken seed, and, of course, several men who had lost their bedroom authority had regained them, to the delight of their partners.
As he had promised, Antobam preached for only 30 minutes, exhorting the congregation to attend church regularly, pay their tithes and offerings, and strictly follow his ‘directions’ for securing solutions to their problems.
After another round of praises during which the congregation danced to the floor to drop their offering, he closed the service, grabbed the big bowl which was full to the brim with money, and moved to his desk. A long queue was quickly formed at the desk.
Meanwhile, Mary and Suzzie had gone to give Antobam’s place quite a decent look. A new bedsheet and pillows, a secondhand carpet and four plastic chairs placed in the verandah had done the trick.
They also prepared two fish and chicken stews. After all these, they rushed to the National Savings Bank and collected application forms for opening current and savings accounts.
They joined the service a few minutes before the main session closed. Antobam looked round and saw, to his relief, Mary and Suzzie moving towards him. “Hello ladies. What have you been up to?” “Quite a bit, Osofo. We’ve just collected your drink. Here you are. We’ve made a few changes at your place. I think you will like it. You will also have something nice to eat. Now, here are the forms for the savings and current accounts.
If you will sign them, the bank will open the account. From today, we can pay all monies direct into the account.” ‘How can I thank you, ladies?” “You don’t need to thank us,” Suzzie said. “It is our duty to help a man of God succeed.” “Okay, my ladies, please take the offerings and count them as you did yesterday.
You can add the payments made after the consultations. Will it be possible to pay them into the account today?” “Yes,” Mary said. “The bank closes at four. If we leave here at three, we would be there just in time.”
The two friends started counting, as Osofo Antobam gave his clients his directions for solving their problems. On quite a few occasions he closed his eyes as if he was receiving direction from above on what to do.
But as the fetish priest at the Nana Kofi Broni shrine and the dwarfs had assured him, the solutions would certainly be provided. Having heard the huge testimonies earlier in the day, the clients parted with substantial sums of money in expectation.
By Ekow de Heer
Features
The issue of spiritual father in our churches
A student was supposed to go to school as the natural cause of events should be when universities or schools in general opens but this was not the case in a certain young man’s life.
He decided to postpone his trip because apparently he could not get to meet his pastor, his spiritual father. The question is, should this spiritual father die, will the young man’s life come to an end?
Does it mean in such an instance, he is going to curtail his education? This is a worrying trend in a lot of churches where the pastors use this notion of spiritual father to manipulate members especially the youth.
Some unscrupulous pastors utilise this spiritual father concept to have affairs with gullible young ladies in their churches.
Now with homosexuality gradually making inroads into some of the churches, young men are becoming vulnerable to pastors who have hidden homosexual inclinations.
This spiritual father concept is a Biblical concept that runs through both the Old Testament as well as the New Testament. We see it in 2 Kings 4:12 where Gehazi is serving Elisha and also in the New Testament we see Paul relating to Timothy in 1 Timothy 1:2 as a Spiritual Father.
In fact, the concept of spiritual father is a good thing if executed according to the word of God since it helps in guiding the younger ones. However, it becomes problematic when it is being executed by unscrupulous wolves in sheepskins as described by Jesus in Mathew 7:15.
I see it as a way that these unscrupulous so-called men of God maintain their hold on the congregants so they do not question their unchristian actions.
One of the things I have observed since I got born again many years ago is that, any pastor who often insists that members recognise that he is their spiritual father is a warning sign that he is doing some wrong things or is about to indulge in some wrong things.
A parent complained about how his daughter was being influenced by a pastor of the church she attends and how worried he was. I am sure there are many parents out there with stories to tell about how their wards are being made to see their pastors almost like their Jesus.
These pastors have managed to make their congregants so loyal to them and to believe in them so much that it is terrifying, as a parent.
The way things are going, an immediate intervention is required otherwise I am not a prophet of doom but I forsee unfortunate instances where parents burst into church auditoriums and star shooting some Pastors out of frustration and anger.
We cannot look on unconcerned as a society and allow unscrupulous fraudsters using the name of God to create problems for families. My recommendation is for a certain amount of regulation in order to bring some sanity in religious practices.
I agree that ordinarily regulating religious practices makes it a bit restrictive in terms of freedom of worship as enshrined in our constitution but given the way things are going, a bit of regulation will not be out of place.
Disgusting stuff are being attributed to some men of God. There are cases of manipulation of young ladies and sometimes married women by so called men of God and it is bringing Christianity and therefore the name of the Lord into disrepute.
Christianity is gradually losing its attractiveness as a result of the negative reportage resulting from disgusting stuff happening in Christian circles. The way some pastors have been manipulating congregants to take money from them leaves much to be desired to the point where they are convincing some of the youth to give out their phones. May God help us.
By Laud Kissi-Mensah
