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Some ways to manage the ups and downs in your relationship

Relationships have their ups and downs endeavour to sail through

• Relationships have their ups and downs, endeavour to sail through

Many of my people bemoan that they take two steps forward and three steps back wards while others see things more positively and acknowledge that they take two steps forward and one step back on their journey to having a caring, understanding, supportive and passionate relationship.

They express pain that their journey is not straight forward yet one that ‘zigs and zags’ with numerous curves. This also applies to folks expressing pain about losing weight and gaining it back or about establishing abstinence from a compulsion, whether it is gambling, emotional eating, drugs or alcohol and then relapsing. Still others talk about having quiet meditations filled with rampant thoughts and emotional agitation and irritability. And yes, undoubtedly, it is painful when there are setbacks on the journey,

Examples of moving forward and backwards in your relationship

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• Feeling very close and intimate and later distant and disconnected

• Communicating in ways that you feel heard, accepted and supported and other times communicating in a harsh manner where you feel unheard, rejected and disrespected

• Resolving differences and conflicts effectively sometimes while other times your efforts seem to make matters worse resulting in ongoing disagreements and conflicts

 • Having satisfying, passionate and intimate sex while other times it feels rote, mundane and boring

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• Sharing joy, laughter and fun while other times you push each other’s buttons

• Experiencing times of calm and ease with one another which may be sud­denly interrupted by an intense explosive fight leaving you confused and shocked and wondering “where that came from”

• Gazing at your partner and having the conviction that you are with your soul mate and other times wondering “who is this person and how did I end up with him/her”

• Agreeing on lifestyle and financial needs and wants compared to strongly disagreeing about these things.

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• Wanting to spend as much time with your partner as possible and other times wanting to be alone or with friends, or maybe even wanting to be as far away from you partner as possible.

To be continued…

Source: www.marriage.com

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Relationship

 The role of employment status, wealth, geographical location in divorce

Several research findings have identified factors likely to account for divorce. These factors include (but are not limited to):

1. Employment Status and Income Levels of Individuals

Several research on the employ­ment status of married individuals have identified how it influences marital stability. If the husband is employed, the likelihood of the mar­riage ending in divorce is low.

The is because, as the head, he would be in a better position to pro­vide for the family’s needs, strength­ening the family and increasing their standard of living (Lee, unpublished).

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On the contrary, women who are employed are at risk of having a higher divorce rate, particularly when they find themselves in unhap­py marriages.

This is because they can afford to be independent and cater for their children (Becker, Landes & Michael, 1977; Oppenheimer, 1997; Sayer & Bianchi, 2000). Moore’s (1994) argument also supports the fact that women’s divorce risks increase as they find themselves in highly time-demanding occupations outside the home. This is because they might be unable to devote ample time to their spouses and children.

Despite these findings, I know of a good number of women who are doing their best to maintain some balance between their married life and their work. I highly commend such women for their extra efforts on behalf of their families.

2. Wealth

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Research shows that the indi­viduals’ wealth status could either increase or decrease the probability of divorce. Some scholars (Kurderk, 1993 and Rootalu, 2010) indicated that when individuals are more afflu­ent and wealthy, marriage stability is compromised because couples could easily afford the costs involved in the divorce process.

Others also suggest that individ­uals who are not wealthy (especially women) are at lower risk of divorce than more prosperous women (Am­bert, 2002).

3. Geographical Location or Type of Residential Place

Geographic location and its char­acteristics could impact your mar­riage’s stability. Several studies on the location of residence have shown that married couples who live in urban communities are more likely to experience divorce than their rural counterparts (Adegoke, 2010; Adedo­kun, 1998).

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According to Takyi (2001) and Moore (1994), urbanisation under­mines African marriages.

Characteristics dominant in urban communities, such as the preference for conjugal union over the extended family and the increasing number of women in restrictive and time-con­suming employment setups, have been argued to weaken the founda­tion of families and marriages.

This is because the conjugal family type does not allow for the in­volvement of other extended family members except for the immediate family (nuclear family). The immedi­ate family is mainly made up of the married couple and their children; hence, there is less opportunity for the involvement of other members of the other family.

Indeed, it matters a lot how much your in-laws are involved in your marriage (in a healthy way, without much interference).

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Modernisation in Africa is destroy­ing the benefits that could have been derived from couples’ healthy rela­tionships with the extended family.

Oppong (1992) supported this argument that African modernisation has led to the type of urbanisation, encouraging wide separation from extended families. Unfortunately, ur­banisation supports an individualistic living arrangement (devoid of consid­erations for other families).

It is not surprising that a good number of researchers confirm that urban divorce rates exceed rural areas’ rates.

To be continued …

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Source: Excerpts from “PREPAR­ING FOR A HAPPY AND FULFILLING MARRIAGE: Everything You Need to Know Before You Say ‘I Do’” Book by REV. COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Psychotherapist, Lecturer, and Marriage Therapist). ORDER BOOK NOW: https://selar.co/prepar­ing-for-a-happy-and-fulfilling-mar­riage

https://princeoffei22.wixsite. com/website-psychologist

https://princeoffei22.wixsite. com/website

https://princeoffei22.wixsite. com/author

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COUNSELOR PRINCE & ASSOCI­ATES CONSULT (CPAC COUNSELLOR TRAINING INSTITUTE)

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When the tides change (Pt. 2)

Psst! Psst! Lean in closer… closer! Now listen, silence is golden, or so they say.

But when the Tale Bearer arrives with news from yonder, that golden silence suddenly turns into a shiny distraction you cannot ignore. So here I am, bearing tales from the gods, hot, fresh and ready for your ears!

Have you heard? Wonder Boy’s new status has him soaking wet like a sponge at a waterpark. And, oh boy, is he loving it! Ehem! Now, he is serenading us with a tune that has gotten us laughing and jeering mockingly ‘Johnny Just Come’, Johnny just come. Hehehe!

Who knew the rulers of the mighty kingdom of Umofia are living it up like royalty, while the rest of us are out here playing catch-up with life? Ah, life, the greatest comedian, always leaving us laughing, but with tears in our eyes.

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Come to think of it, Umofians, the gods are clearly watching over us and this is their way of saying ‘wake up, Umofians! ‘He who does not see the clouds cannot predict the rain’. Well the clouds are gathering, pay ye heed. 

Now, tell me, if our rulers have managed to build themselves a palace in the sky, should we, the children of Umofia, not ask for our fair share of the clouds? Should we not demand our own seat among the stars? Who knows, perhaps soon we shall all be sipping palm wine under the shade, enjoying the breeze together as equals.

Honourable Wonder Boy, if you think you are too small to make a difference, try spending the night with a mosquito. We the Umofians gave you a seat at the table of the rulers to speak on our behalf because we believe in you.

A word to the wise is enough, now show us you are not just another ‘Johnny Just Come, but the one who can stir the pot and serve justice hot! This is your moment, do not let it pass you by!

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Tell your people that Umofians gave them the power, they should remember; power is like salt—use it too much, and it will spoil the whole food. Tell them oo, the people can snatch the power back quicker than a hare can outrun a tortoise.

Ah well! My elders always say, “Home affairs are best kept behind closed doors, not shouted from the public square.” So, I shall take my leave now before I turn into the village crier.

 Until next time, keep your ears open.

With Eyram, the Tale bearer.

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