Features

The family budget

Every family has a Finance Minister. Such a minister is normally the head of the house, in other words the Executive President.

One of the characteristics of the finance minister is that he has a moustache with or without a ‘goatee.’

The moustache is usually twitched to frighten undisciplined children and the ‘goatee’ is used to terrify the wife. In fact the ‘goatee’ always reminds the wife of a he-goat and its gimmicks and antics. After painstaking research, my bosom friend Kokotako has come out with the conclusion that men with ‘goatee’ are more sexually appealing to women.

The Sikaman family life is an interesting one in that nothing is done according to the 1992 Constitution. The Finance Minister of the home is not supposed to present the family budget to the wife and children who are the family equivalent of the national Parliament.

He decides what the chop money must be, whether the wife must perm or jerry the hair, whether the kids must eat oats and milk for breakfast or zorzor, alias ‘yorke gari’ alias ‘yorks’. In effect, there is nothing like democracy much more the Westminister variation of it.

In extreme cases where the husband has the credentials of Adolf Hitler, he assumes kitchen-power and fetches the soup during supper. He sits behind the soup with a pot-belly and unilaterally decides who should get what size of meat and what level of soup.

Almost invariably, there is military discipline in the family such that the wife can only sneeze on Sundays and public holidays. Every minute, the man growls like a tiger while opening and closing his eyes like a maniac. All these are reinforced by a bottle of peters (bitters) in an obscured corner, often under the bed which is refilled every three hours.

“Kwadwo, run like a hare to Davi’s place and top my bitters before I somersault. In fact, if you don’t run like Ben Johnson under the influence of steroids, I’ll break your neck. Remember, I have to take three tots before caning you for not fetching water yesterday.”

Yes, Akpeteshie also gives appetite for fathers. Taking some tots, they start thinking where to seek political asylum because as a Lagosian would say, ‘Trouble don come for house.’

When I was in Class Six, our teacher once told us that in the developed countries families were often very concerned about the management of their homes and so man and wife often held weekly, fortnightly or monthly meetings to draw the family budget.

This is made possible by a joint account. The family’s needs from soap and cigarettes to blue jeans and holiday trips are budgeted for. That way things are done in an orderly manner and there is no case of over- spending, under-spending or ‘chobo’.

Perhaps, this is the ideal thing to do in Sikaman, but here there are obvious problems. First, the family’s income is often inadequate because of many factors including the man’s appetite. Secondly, there is a concealment of income on both sides.

The husband will declare ¢40,000 when his take-home pay is ¢60,000, meaning the extra will be used to finance personal habits and the needs of girlfriends.

The wife will also under-declare what she makes each day at the market for fear that her husband would force her to contribute to the upkeep of the home. So when she says she made only 4,000, she is in fact asking you to multiply it by 2/½ to get the correct figure. So in fact she made 9,000. It’s quite funny and you’ll have to be well-versed in JSS Mathematics to cope with her pace.

Because of all these, it is impossible for husband and wife to sit at table to draw the family budget. This is one of the reasons why some churches demand that prospective brides and grooms attend marriage counselling school for at least six months before being allowed to marry.

In the marriage school, they are taught home management and how to arouse sexual feelings in their mates. The man is cautioned on the dangers of drinking raw akpeteshie and the sins of chasing women like a bearded he-goat. “Don’t also beat your wife. God doesn’t like that.”

The woman is advised not to talk too much ‘rubbish’, not to have too many friends and taught how to please a man’s heart by pleasing his stomach with good food. She is warned not to converse with other men on frivolous topics that might lead to sexy topics etc.

Normally such lectures are helpful, but it turns out that the couples are only prepared to adhere to only 10 percent of what they are taught. Ninety percent of what they learn are impracticable, so the marriage school is only considered as a waste of time.

Well, my former classmate Kwame Korkorti, the born-mathematician, has long detected that since money palaver is the cause of many shattered marriages, couples need to be more transparent, communicative and co-operative in solving their financial problems.

Observation has shown that marriages break more often not because of the lack of money per se, but because of the mistrust on both sides as far as money matters are concerned. It might be that the man really has no money but the woman feels he has and is using it to chase other women, etc.

It all boils down to honesty, sincerity, goodwill, understanding and a desire to make the marriage work with or without money palaver. Let’s not make money the basis of a successful marriage.

Wishing all readers and fans of Sikaman Palava a nice week-end.

Features

A call to prayer for Ghana

When you hear of a call to prayer, the people you will least expect to find on the list will be pastors. Surprisingly, these are the group which currently need prayers the most due to recent actions and behaviours associated with them.

I keep saying that when a cart pusher or a carpenter or the ordinary guy on the street, goes to ‘Ashawo’ line at say Circle and is noticed, coming out of that ghetto, it is no news. In fact no reporter worth his sort, will write about it.

However, if one of these known men of God was to be noticed coming out of such ghettos, it is certainly news worthy because he is not supposed to be associated with such behaviour.

In similar manner, the lens through which the actions of a carpenter’s son and I am not demeaning the profession, will be viewed, will not be the same as the lens through which a son of a member parliament, or a son of a public figure will be viewed.

There is a saying that, to whom much is given, much is required and so people in leadership positions must understand this and therefore should take steps to protect their hard won reputation.

Recently, an incident involving the crashing of an over speeding car resulting in the death of two people has become the topic for discussion across the media landscape.

People have expressed diverse opinions, some harsh criticisms, some condemnations and some sympathetic ones. Those who have condemned the pastor for the wrongs of his son has to do with a certain video showing him make certain declarations.

It is alleged that he declared that He drives without any policeman stopping him in Ghana due to his fame or the influence he has.

When such declarations are attributed to you then you can be sure that heavy criticism will come your way, when your son acts in a manner that seems to reflect this re-emphasise this reckless living perception that people have of you.

Then to add salt into injury, church members of the pastor attacks some journalists and the criticisms flies through the roof. The manner, videos apparently showing a pattern of reckless driving by his son started surfacing also infuriated people.

Parenting has become a serious business and people should really consider it as such and seek all the assistance they need to make it a success. The children of this dispensation are exposed to a lot of crazy ideas through television and easy access to the internet.

What they watch is difficult to regulate and that is the danger confronting parents now. There is an urgent need for prayers for the youth of Ghana, so their behaviour will reflect the culture and values of this dear country.

When pastors who should be examples of good parents are woefully failing, then it is time indeed for a call to prayer.

Lessons learnt for all of us has to do with being a bit more curious about the activities of our children when we are not around. We should maintain a certain cordial relations with our neighbours such that they can report to us certain actions or behaviours of our children they feel must be brought to our attention.

A lady shared a story on social media as to why she was being sympathetic to wards the pastor whose son has created this whole buzz. She said she was at her shop, when she had from one of her tenants that her son has taken her vehicle out of the house.

She informed her to quickly organise a taxi and chase after them to stop them. When they were stopped and she asked her son as to why he took the vehicle, he confessed that his friend was going to teach him how to drive.

She said something quite remarkable that, if something terrible had happened, guess what people would have said, given her pedigree in society.

Features

The Dawn Preachers

The dawn of each day marks the transition of darkness into daylight. And according to my friend Weddeye, it is a period when good (light) gradually overcomes bad (darkness).

He adds that this transcient period is of much significance to many people either as a time of sorrow or a time of joy.

Normally, the dawn of every day is the period when most people enjoy their sleep best and snore like thunder. The cool morning air that caresses the body has a soothing effect on the mind and the soul is transported, the nose becomes charged and snoring becomes rather rhythmical but hazardous.

To some, the dawn is the most romantic period of the night when they are inseparably close to their lovers. When daylight sets in they must mandatorily separate. That is a law nature. The dawn is also a period when most people think clearly and rationally except when one is experiencing a hangover. Thinking at dawn normally centres on the payment of school fees, rent, and perhaps, how best to advise Saddam Hussein to stop being a “problem child.”

The social significance of the dawn is well known to most people, especially those who owe sums of money. If you are one of such people, creditors are most likely to attack you at dawn, unless you are clever enough to anticipate the commando-type movement, to escape well before dawn sets in.

But assuming you were sleeping cozy when the creditor arrived and knocked your door. “Who are you,” you are likely to bark. “I am coming to collect my money with interest. No need to mention my name. Immediately I mention it you will develop hernia because the pressure will be too much to bear.”

At this point of time, your first instincts will be to hide under the bed and start reciting the Lord’s Prayer, or to silently open the window and stylishly fly through it and show a very clean pair of heels.

But that would not be politic enough. The creditor may shout after you “thief! thief!” and that is not a very good compliment. I should think that it is always better to confront your creditor and explain matters with all the hope that he’ll give you some breathing space.

Parents are more inclined to rebuke or advise their wards at dawn and it is also a time when wives are likely to confront their husbands over extra-marital improprieties. And lest I forget, convicted criminals are most often executed at dawn. Is it because most criminals are allergic to daylight? They operate under the cover of darkness and must face the bullet under the cover of darkness, armed robbers, especially.

Born again Christians also make good use of the dawn for reasons best known to themselves. They preach the GOOD NEWS at this time of the night and some people consider it a nuisance. A Muslim for instance would not enjoy being disturbed by a doctrine quite alien to his circumstances.

And others who are not Christians and do not intend to be one in the foreseeable future will naturally be angered. And naturally most Christians would enjoy this dawn session tremendously and pray that it becomes a regular feature.

It was at Legon that I realised how these Christian enterprises were both loved and hated. The dawn preachers came mostly on Saturday mornings and the preacher was usually a baritone-voiced apostle who preached the gospel with vim and fervour.

And he was supposed to be a man capable of speaking in at least thirteen foreign languages without error in grammar, usage, vocabulary and phonetics. The preacher was also not supposed to have learnt any of these languages. They are special gifts by the Holy Spirit and he becomes more or less a multi-lingual secretary.

Anyhow, his preaching always touched many hearts and also annoyed many hearts as the message reverberated across the silent hall. And the message was specifically directed to fornicators.

Quite fortunately or unfortunately, Fridays were days when “external” girlfriends came to spend the night on campus. And the dawn of Saturday dangerously coincided with gospel time, a time when lovers were supposed to be inseparable. It was so very untimely and very undemocratic on the part or the preachers.

An aggrieved student often expressed his disaffection by hurling the following across like a projectile: “Hey born again, go and preach to your parents at home. They need Jesus more than we do. Don’t waste our ears”.

I quite remember that in response to a similar remark one dawn, the deep-throated preacher shouted back “Be gone, Satan!”

Today, preachers of the good news minister the word in mummy trucks, buses, lorry parks and residential areas where the dawn is the most suitable period.

Their message is almost always the same. “For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16”

You have to confess your sins, repent, accept Jesus Christ, fellowship with the assembly of saints and the way to heaven is opened to you. If you do not, you go to hell. The choice is yours.

I realise that barring any prejudices that might be harboured against the Christian doctrine, the apostles of Christ are doing a good job because they do not preach anything bad. To me, the Christian religion is credible and worth following since it is a sure way of reforming bad morals and keeping righteous.

But I also realise that the dawn preachers only focus on the spiritual side of man and ignore the numerous social problems afflicting him. It is not enough to pave the golden way to heaven. For the time being, man must also see to his earthly problems, alongside.

I have, always expected the dawn preachers for example to talk a little on advisıng people to steer clear of drug abuse and sloth, respect for one another, prevention of AIDS and teenage pregnancies.

The preachers must realise that preaching against fornication alone will not help stop the spread of AIDS for instance because people are always going to mate, anyway. So after preaching against fornication, the preachers could go on to educate their hearers on the deadliness of AIDS, how it is spread, and what pre-cautionary measures to take, e.g. the use of condoms. There is nothing sacrilegious in preaching practical ways of preventing the spread of the disease.

This information will not be useful to Christians alone but to everyone. When Christ came, he ministered, not only to the spiritual needs of the people but to their physical needs as well. The fact that he fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes means that he perfectly understood the physical needs of man as well.

Let our dawn preachers do more than merely telling us to repent and go to heaven. Repent we shall.

But do we need to die of AIDS for instance before we repent?

This article was first published on Saturday, December 15, 1990.

MerariAlomele’s

Merari Alomele’s

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