Relationship
To marry or not to marry: the crush conundrum
To some extent, you should marry someone you feel physically and emotionally attracted to. Many times, it can be challenging to be married to someone you have no feelings for.
Despite this, it is also dangerous and regrettable to marry someone solely based on your reason that you are physically and emotionally attracted to them. This is because marriage is a whole institution on its own, and goes far beyond mere physical and sexual attraction.
If you marry someone only on the basis of sexual chemistry or physical attraction; you are most likely going to live to regret that decision later on. This leads me to what the Scriptures say in Proverbs 31:30,
“Charm is DECEPTIVE, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” –NIV
“Charm is deceptive, and BEAUTY DOES NOT LAST; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.” – NLT
What does this Scripture mean?
Here in Proverbs 31:30, we understand that: I. Charm is deceptive, and II. Beauty fades with age.
Charm – sweet words, physical looks or stature is deceptive. This is supported by Proverbs 26:23-25, which states:
“Like a coating of silver dross on earthenware are fervent lips with an evil heart. Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbour deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts” (Proverbs 26:23-25).
There are those who are naturally charming and yet, they have many other godly character traits that make them admirable. They are innocent of deceit and have goodness in their hearts.
But this verse is speaking of a common type of charm that hides one’s unpleasant identity and character.
Beauty fades with age implies if you are more concerned with the outer appearance of your soon-to-be spouse at the expense of other important qualities; then you will be unhappy and shaky in your marriage when the wrinkles come and the number on the weighing scale goes up after getting married. Remember, because of the fall of man, humans get old and die of the decay.
“All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall” (Isaiah 40:6).
It is not intrinsically wrong to want to look pleasing or to marry a good looking person as your husband or wife. Wanting to look pleasing to your husband is also not evil (1 Cor. 7:34).
However, there is a high cost when beauty becomes an idol. Whereas the world’s way is for women to dress to entice; God’s way is the cultivation of inner beauty. No wonder, 1 Peter 3:3-4 says:
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornments, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
This Scripture about beauty does not mean it is wrong to braid your hair or wear nice clothes and jewelry. The verse was written to warn women not to follow the customs of some of the Egyptian women who, during that period, spent hours and hours working on their hair, makeup, and finding the perfect outfit.
God would rather prefer women work on becoming beautiful on the inside – the kind of beauty that lasts forever.
Did you know that your body may show the beginning signs of ageing as early as age 25? That is part of why God wants us to fear or revere Him. Therefore, my advice to you is:
Never marry someone simply because of the person’s physical looks and stature.
Instead, you must have certain enduring qualities you would like to see in the man or woman you intend to marry. What specific character traits should your husband or wife-to-be possess?
Source: Excerpts from ‘Preparing for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage’ Book by REV.COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Psychotherapist and Marriage Therapist).
Author, Psychotherapist, Psychologist, Marriage Therapist & Reverend Minister
Counselor Prince & Associates Consult (CPAC)
Relationship
How marital infidelity and excessive arguing lead to divorce
1. Marital Infidelity (Marital Unfaithfulness)
Marital infidelity (adultery) is one of the most significant challenges facing families in our society.
Many divorces are due to (in one way or another) marital infidelity of spouses. In a 2019 study by the American Psychological Association (APA): “Infidelity was found to be the cause of 20-40 per cent of US divorces.”
Infidelity and divorce are very old, yet their levels seem to increase with time. One wonders why people are unable to learn from the past and eradicate infidelity in their marriages—which would, in turn, reduce the divorce rates.
The institution of marriage is based on deep trust between the two partners that enter it. Adultery (marital infidelity) is considered a violation of that faith in each other and a severe betrayal. This violation of trust is not to be taken lightly, as it can profoundly affect both parties and the marriage as a whole.
While many instances of marital infidelity are the results of a volatile family situation, there are also personal factors that can push one to commit adultery. Christians and society see the act as a sin, immoral, and an abomination.
This societal view can put great pressure on individuals, making them feel guiltier and less likely to seek reconciliation, thereby increasing the likelihood of divorce.
In some cases, mental conditions can influence people and lead to self-destructive behaviours such as sexual infidelity.
In such cases, the person typically knows that the act will harm the family but commits it regardless. Marital infidelity as revenge after learning of one’s spouse’s unfaithfulness should also be considered part of this category. Sometimes, infidelity can even push the other spouse who is committed to the relationship into adultery out of the belief that in doing so, they will share the burden.
Marital infidelity, regardless of the reasons behind it, inflicts deep wounds on both parties and the marriage as a whole. The betrayed spouse often feels inadequate and begins to question their worth, while the adulterer is burdened with guilt and mental weakness. These profound effects underscore the gravity of marital infidelity and its potential to shatter a marriage. Looking for personal faults that drove their spouse to act as they did.
Unfortunately, marriages frequently end after adultery is discovered, partly due to the tendency of cheaters (adulterers) to do so repeatedly. Often, this leads to one or both spouses seeing the act as the dissolution of their marital relationship.
Children are likely to be affected adversely as a result, especially because adultery-related divorces tend to end with the adults not being on good terms. Ultimately, adultery (marital infidelity) is highly destructive to marriages regardless of the cause and may often lead to their dissolution in the case that the other spouse learns about the act.
2. Excessive Arguing and Lack of Effective Communication
Most arguments in marriage happen because of a communication breakdown. Excessive arguing and a continuous lack of effective communication have been cited as causes of divorce in many cases. Therefore, improving communication can make a big difference between a happy marriage and one that experiences separation or divorce.
In 2019, a survey conducted by ‘Your Tango’ found the following lack of communication in divorce statistics:
• ‘Communication problems’ is the most common factor that leads to divorce, at 65 per cent
• This was followed by couples’ ‘inability to resolve issues,’ at 43 per cent.
Open and honest communication with a spouse can show trust, respect, and deference to the other spouse’s thoughts and beliefs. Excellent communication can see a relationship through difficulties, while lack thereof could cause a simple argument to escalate into grounds for a divorce.
It is not surprising that a lack of effective communication in marriage leads to divorce or separation in many instances. Given how crucial communication is to a successful marriage, it is better to work on your communication skills or find a good therapist to assist you than to allow situations to deteriorate in your marriage.
To be continued …
Source: Excerpts from “A COUNSELLOR’S GUIDE TO USING ‘Preparing for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage’ EFFECTIVELY” Book by REV. COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Psychotherapist, Lecturer, and Marriage Therapist).
ORDER BOOK NOW:
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COUNSELOR PRINCE & ASSOCIATES CONSULT (CPAC COUNSELLOR TRAINING INSTITUTE)
Relationship
The role of employment status, wealth, geographical location in divorce
Several research findings have identified factors likely to account for divorce. These factors include (but are not limited to):
1. Employment Status and Income Levels of Individuals
Several research on the employment status of married individuals have identified how it influences marital stability. If the husband is employed, the likelihood of the marriage ending in divorce is low.
The is because, as the head, he would be in a better position to provide for the family’s needs, strengthening the family and increasing their standard of living (Lee, unpublished).
On the contrary, women who are employed are at risk of having a higher divorce rate, particularly when they find themselves in unhappy marriages.
This is because they can afford to be independent and cater for their children (Becker, Landes & Michael, 1977; Oppenheimer, 1997; Sayer & Bianchi, 2000). Moore’s (1994) argument also supports the fact that women’s divorce risks increase as they find themselves in highly time-demanding occupations outside the home. This is because they might be unable to devote ample time to their spouses and children.
Despite these findings, I know of a good number of women who are doing their best to maintain some balance between their married life and their work. I highly commend such women for their extra efforts on behalf of their families.
2. Wealth
Research shows that the individuals’ wealth status could either increase or decrease the probability of divorce. Some scholars (Kurderk, 1993 and Rootalu, 2010) indicated that when individuals are more affluent and wealthy, marriage stability is compromised because couples could easily afford the costs involved in the divorce process.
Others also suggest that individuals who are not wealthy (especially women) are at lower risk of divorce than more prosperous women (Ambert, 2002).
3. Geographical Location or Type of Residential Place
Geographic location and its characteristics could impact your marriage’s stability. Several studies on the location of residence have shown that married couples who live in urban communities are more likely to experience divorce than their rural counterparts (Adegoke, 2010; Adedokun, 1998).
According to Takyi (2001) and Moore (1994), urbanisation undermines African marriages.
Characteristics dominant in urban communities, such as the preference for conjugal union over the extended family and the increasing number of women in restrictive and time-consuming employment setups, have been argued to weaken the foundation of families and marriages.
This is because the conjugal family type does not allow for the involvement of other extended family members except for the immediate family (nuclear family). The immediate family is mainly made up of the married couple and their children; hence, there is less opportunity for the involvement of other members of the other family.
Indeed, it matters a lot how much your in-laws are involved in your marriage (in a healthy way, without much interference).
Modernisation in Africa is destroying the benefits that could have been derived from couples’ healthy relationships with the extended family.
Oppong (1992) supported this argument that African modernisation has led to the type of urbanisation, encouraging wide separation from extended families. Unfortunately, urbanisation supports an individualistic living arrangement (devoid of considerations for other families).
It is not surprising that a good number of researchers confirm that urban divorce rates exceed rural areas’ rates.
To be continued …
Source: Excerpts from “PREPARING FOR A HAPPY AND FULFILLING MARRIAGE: Everything You Need to Know Before You Say ‘I Do’” Book by REV. COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Psychotherapist, Lecturer, and Marriage Therapist). ORDER BOOK NOW: https://selar.co/preparing-for-a-happy-and-fulfilling-marriage
https://princeoffei22.wixsite. com/website-psychologist
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COUNSELOR PRINCE & ASSOCIATES CONSULT (CPAC COUNSELLOR TRAINING INSTITUTE)
