Features
Too much of everything
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I was curious when I read in a foreign magazine that great writers are normally smokers. I kept thinking whether that was true of Sikaman writers, because I know quite a good number of brilliant writers in this country who are not locomotives. But I may be wrong. Probably they puff when I am not looking, or only when they are writing. When they stop writing they cease to be smokers.
According to the article in the magazine, the cigarette ‘helps them to think’. It is not because their minds are stimulated by the nicotine, but the fact that just holding the stick between the lips, puffing smoke, exhaling through the nostrils and tapping away the ash just keep them forming ideas
Before long, they would be seen scribbling away as sticks of cigarette get burnt into ashes. And society judges them the best writers. That’s quite interesting, isn’t it? And one writer actually confessed that he couldn’t have been a successful novelist without cigarettes.
Well, that’s the world. What is generally harmful to people is said to be beneficial to others after all. It is just like booze and sex. Alcohol destroys the liver, can damage brain cells, induce hypertension and cause social problems.
But alcohol is such that when a total ban is placed on its production and sale in Sikaman, there is likely to be a coup d’etat within a week. Who doesn’t drink, anyway?
Civil servants imbibe alcohol to cure their financial malaria. A husband will take it if he wants to go and insult his mother-in-law for interfering in his marriage.
People charge their brains with alcohol when they are going to collect debts from stubborn debtors. Students take it when they are going to collect their results slips.
Go to the pastors, catechists and reverends and ask them to confess their alcoholic improprieties. Some of them will be sincere and justify their alcoholic dispositions by quoting direct from the Holy Bible.
Timothy was advised to take a little alcohol for the sake of his stomach. But ‘little’ can always be subjective, and that is the loophole that is normally exploited by resident clergymen.
In any case, they can always give the excuse that they have ‘kooko’ and that a famous herbalist had made some concoction for them.
They’ll tell you that it is unfortunate the herbs can only work in alcohol, and that they can’t help doing with it.
When the evening meal is fufu, the holy-man must increase the dosage for an obvious reason – appetite.
But alcohol is most helpful in some spiritual and charismatic churches, when the Holy Ghost can almost be seen moving among the congregation. During such an occasion, the sermon must be extra-lively and the ‘preacherman’ must ‘charge’ to loosen his tongue, to improve the sweetness and quality of the sermon.
“Begone Satan! Begone! “He’d cry out, probably mistaking Satan for the Holy Spirit. He’d taken a bit too much of the stuff and when that happens, you can be sure of an ecclesiastical disaster.
The theme of the sermon will completely be ignored and the drunken pastor, now extra-lively, will start preaching on how to fight the thief who wants to relieve you of your salary. Too much of everything is bad, is the saying.
SIDE DRUM
Take food for instance. Well-cooked, finely spiced food is always delectable to the human palate. But when you take in an overdose and your stomach becomes like a good side-drum and distended, then you are likely to have a nightmare. You’ll start dreaming about cows chasing you here and there and you’ll jump out of sleep to avoid a cow’s leg crashing into your face.
But too soon, you’ll relapse into sleep and start a new dream; seeing yourself falling into a bottomless pit. You’ll scream and someone sleeping in the same room with you will wake you up.
“What’s happening to you?” he’d ask.
“Oh nothing. Just a dream”.
Anyhow, sooner or later, the real symptoms of over-feeding will start showing. You’ll start passing wind indiscriminately and your room mate will start requesting for oxygen lest he suffocates.
“Did you eat too much last night?”
“Yes, the banku was superb, so I took double-dose”.
“I see!”
Yes, your room mate has truly seen. Henceforth, he’ll start timing you. When he sees that you’ve over-eaten, he’d try to avoid the room and sleep on the veranda. He cannot afford to die young.
Coming back to cigarettes, it is generally acceptable that smoking cigarettes is harmful to health, and the Surgeon General has always confirmed it on cigarette packs. Quite paradoxically, doctors are the most inveterate smokers.
In Sikaman, smoking is a habit to some people, but because of poverty they can’t afford to become chain-smokers.
They can afford at most six sticks a day and that is quite moderate. So in effect poverty is saving them from cancer of the lungs.
The prevalence of lung cancer in the developed countries is due to the fact that chain-smoking is a normal phenomenon.
The more you smoke, the more vulnerable you become to disease. MODERATION is, therefore, the solution because habits cannot easily be done away with altogether.
How dare you tell Kofi Owuo, alias Death By Poverty, that he should go to toilet to off-load without taking along cigarettes.
He once told me, “Although I’ve vowed to be poor all my life, I won’t stop smoking. Jot keeps me going. When I get my favourite brand of cigarette and I don’t even get food, I’m okay”.
Yes, Kofi Owuo, a former classmate of mine, took the Oath Of Poverty several years back. But he can always afford his ‘jot’ because without it, he wouldn’t live long. “If I don’t smoke one day, you’ll see me at the mortuary”, he told me.
Perhaps, it is only when there is a total ban on the cultivation of tobacco, its production and distribution that the world will really know that it cannot do without some vices like smoking.
There will be an immediate uproar. Millions of people in tobacco farming, processing and distribution will lose their jobs. Addicts will go haywire and start a riot. Soldiers will take up arms against incumbent governments
The old men who are addicted to snuff (asra), alias rural cocaine, will embark upon a countrywide demonstration.
The snuff keeps them going. When they take it and sneeze hard, they feel good. They may develop cancer of the nose, but that’s nobody’s business. It is the business of their own noses.
I’ve known people who will vomit if they don’t smoke after eating. Some take cigarettes to release tension and others smoke to keep them happy. So which is which? To stop or not to stop!
Features
The Prophet part 2
“I can see in the spirit, that some of you have been trading for years without seeing any meaningful profits, some young women have been disappointed by men who have either abandoned them and left for foreign lands and forgotten about them, or stopped sending money for the upkeep of their wives and children.
I can see young men who are desperate for visas to travel abroad but have either been duped by visa contractors or refused at the embassies. From tomorrow, I assure you, the visas will be given.
Young women, I have news for you. You will receive telephone calls, and you will hear very good news. Handsome young men with money in their pockets will come and marry you, and take care of you. Traders, you will get big business and big profits from today. From today, you will see that I am a true prophet who has come to deliver you.”
Shouts of “Amen,” “thank you Prophet” and “I receive it” greeted his sermon. After a final prayer, he asked the congregation to come early the following day, and bring others, because there would be many testimonies.
There would also be “special anointing” for great miracles. Although he did not ask for an offering, most of the people came and dropped notes, and coins at the “pulpit.” When they left, Antobam counted the money.
“GH¢900!” he almost shouted, ‘and I did not even ask for an offering. This is fantabulous!’ Going to the Nana Kofi Broni shrine, he told himself, was a very wise move.
He started making plans……He had to choose a few assistants who would carry out his orders……. He had to hire some chairs as soon as possible……He had to find a suitable piece of land and, if possible, build his own church……. He had to start looking for a nice car, befitting the status of a popular preacher …… And, most importantly, he had to select two, three or four nice, young women to take care of his needs, apart from the servants who would cook, wash, iron and do other errands for him.
Abruptly, he told himself, this hungry, scruffy Kukurantumi boy was being transformed into a man of power and money, with some of the most beautiful women in town at his beck and call. Wow!
After a shower and supper, he shut the door to the very small room that served as his bedroom and dropped on the bed. Almost immediately, the shrill sounds, like whispers, began.
This time he did not express any fears. He realised to his great surprise that even though the sounds were not in the form of any language, he could understand them.
Tomorrow there will be testimonies……they will give money……. some rich people are being prepared …….they will bring big money ………. we will give them what they want, and they will bring money ……. big money …….big, big money……the women will also come, a number of them. ‘
He went to sleep smiling and whispering to himself, ‘big, big money, and women!’
He woke up at 5 and took a shower. After a breakfast of tea and several slices of bread he set off. On reaching the venue he saw to his great surprise that the place was full.
Very full, and quite a number of people rushed to embrace him and give him the wonderful news. The excited people narrated the testimonies about big sales, telephone calls from relatives directing them to go to Western Union, and impotent husbands who had miraculously rediscovered their magic powers.
He was truly glad that Nana Kofi Broni’s magic had already started working, but most of his attention was focused on the ladies in the congregation. He noticed to his great delight that some of them were really nice. I must start making my selection, he told himself. Today!
“Give a mighty clap offering to the great, mighty one for his wonders among us!” he started, and the response was very big.
“I said yesterday that you were going to see signs and wonders, and I am very happy that my word has been fulfilled. Even though we have taken allowed one hour for testimonies, many more of you would like to testify.
Tomorrow, I promise you that there will be ample time. I will only preach a short sermon. The rest of the time will be taken up by consultations, after which I will give directions on what to do to ensure that you defeat your enemies, secure your marriage and, most importantly, continue increasing your profits in your business.” His sermon was interspersed with ecstatic shouts of “Amen,” “it is true,” “God bless you” and “I receive it.”
His final word was emphatic; “Big miracles are coming your way. Keep attending church, and don’t forget to give thanks to God.”
By Ekow de Heer
Features
Full Gospel Businessmen Fellowship launches project to transform young lives
The Full Gospel Businessmen’s Fellowship International (FGBMFI) Ghana has launched the Senior High Schools and Colleges Project (SCP) aimed at empowering and transforming the lives of young people.
Speaking at the launch, Professor Mike Ocquaye, the former Speaker of Parliament, emphasised the need to catch them young and train them as the current times were challenging.
He lauded the project, calling on all to support it, saying “In fact, it’s very important to catch them young, train them, lead them, guide them, and mentor them because the times are indeed rough,” Prof. Ocquaye said.
Mr Ekow Egyir Dadson, the Director, Schools and Colleges Directorate, stated that since its inception in 2018, the SCP had reached over 70 educational institutions with countless testimonies of transformation.
“We began with the Presbyterian Boys Secondary School (PRESEC) Legon, and now in 2024, we have visited 74 schools and impacted the lives of over 100,000 students, some of whom were personally mentored and now have graduated from the universities.”
He explained that the SCP, a vision by FGBMFI Ghana, was a bold outreach programme designed to call young people to Christ, train and equip them for the future.
He cited testimony-sharing, mentorship, career guidance, entrepreneurship and counseling as some of the unique approaches to be used in reaching out to the targeted students.
Mr Emmanuel Baba Mahama, the National President of the FGBMFI Ghana, launched the SCP Manual, which would help the FGBMFI Zonal Family Chapters across Ghana in order to adopt schools and colleges within their catchment areas.
The Schools and Colleges project is making a great impact; we have had first-hand testimonies from school heads, teachers, and students (mentees) about the SCP. This project has come to stay, Mr Baba Mahama assured.
He, therefore, called for more volunteers and partners to help the SCP shape the next generation of leaders and citizens.
Findings by the FGBMFI revealed that Ghana’s senior high schools, colleges, and university students face growing challenges like addictions, indiscipline, poor academic performance, pornography, homosexuality, broken homes, and a lack of godly guidance.
That had been a concern to many parents and society, “but the FGBMFI believes there is hope to rescue and restore these young students,” Mr Mahama said. –GNA
